littleboxes

Don't neglect what you love the most

2010-07-07T11:20:00.002-04:00

Do neglect...you're burnt toast?

Mother's Day and Father's Day were filled with annoying requests to do something with our lives. The lack of posts on this blog is rapidly diminishing our ability to sell it as part of our plan to make some money.

But we don't need money, mom and dad. Why work when you don't need money? We'll get back to you with an answer.

Overeducated and out.

Hang On, Sloopy

2009-08-26T15:29:00.002-04:00

It's August, summer of 2009. As Dylan once wrote, He who is not busy being born is busy dying. So we add Michael Jackson and Edward Kennedy to the butcher's bill. First black president is in office. A cool summer. Detached from nearly all pop music. Still overeducated and often excessively lazy.

-littleboxes staff

Activity

2009-01-01T15:46:00.001-05:00

Activity killed the cat, Activity killed the cat
The cat wasn't curious, he was simply out shape
Simply out shape, simply out of shape
The cat wasn't curious, he was simply out of shape

Protest T-shirt

2007-08-29T02:07:00.001-04:00

Apparently we've missed the whole protest t-shirt movement. You know, the movement about the protest t-shirts. Please wait a few more months while the drugs wear off...

I'm younger than that now

2006-12-14T16:09:00.000-05:00

Twilight on the frozen lake
North wind about to break
On footprints in the snow
Silence down below.

You're beautiful beyond words
You're beautiful to me
You can make me cry
Never say goodbye.

Time is all I have to give
You can have it if you choose
With me you can live
Never say goodbye.

My dreams are made of iron and steel
With a big bouquet
Of roses hanging down
From the heavens to the ground.

The crashing waves roll over me
As I stand upon the sand
Wait for you to come
And grab hold of my hand.

Metered Parking

2006-11-13T18:04:00.000-05:00

Littleboxes: President Bush traded ideas with the non-partisan Iraq think-tank group thing. Do you think this was a one-for-one thing or is the President of the United States able to secure better terms of trade? Perhaps a 2-for-1 deal, the Prez gets 2, James Baker and company get one. This seems fair as we want our president to have as many ideas as possible. Right?

The PANDA: What nonsense. First off, are these good ideas? Two-for-one sounds good until we find out that James Baker is trading his hair care secrets for nuclear codes.

Littleboxes: Want to get a cigarette?

The PANDA: I don't smoke.

Littleboxes: We used to smoke, now we only buy.

The PANDA: Certainly, support those tobacco companies.

Littleboxes: Actually, we're trying to keep those sin tax revenues at a reasonable level. You know, support our troops.

The PANDA: Is there a best way to support our troops or does each individual have their own best way of supporting the troops.

Littleboxes: The best way is to buy cigarettes, pay the sin tax and then send cigs to Iraq and Afghanistan.

The PANDA: What about the troops in Europe and Korea? Why not send cigs to them?

Littleboxes: We feel that troops in Europe and Korea don't love America as much as troops in Iraq and Afghanistan.

The PANDA: Does this apply for any other jobs? Do Janitors love America less than gas station attendants in Oregon (full service, by the way).

Littleboxes: Full service in Oregon? No way.

The PANDA: Yes way. Totally way. Fill er up, young man, or young lady.

Littleboxes: Indeed. Do you tip them?

The PANDA: I'm not sure. I never did but I felt weird. I really don't know the proper manners.

Littleboxes: Did they clean your windshield or anything?

The PANDA: No, no windshield cleaning.

Littleboxes: Well, then we wouldn't think you'd tip someone if they didn't clean your windshield.

The PANDA: I'm not sure it was dirty. Wouldn't a useless windshield cleaning just scream desperation and warrant a no tip?

Littleboxes: No, a windshield cleaning is always necessary. Plus it sucks to clean windshields, dude.

The PANDA: Yeah, I hate cleaning my windshield.

Littleboxes: But the clean windshield is essential for safe driving. And more people die on the road each year than die inside due to unclean conditions.

The PANDA: What are you talking about?

Littleboxes: We're saying that the Oregon gas station people clearly save more lives than the janitors of the world because they clean windshields and this is more essential than toilet cleaning or floor cleaning.

The PANDA: But they didn't clean my windshield.

Littleboxes: Fuck you, Panda.

ah hell

2006-10-22T04:32:00.000-04:00

Try to Make You...Understand

2006-08-25T18:26:00.000-04:00

what could possibly be more productive than an afternoon trolling the McSweeney's website?

Well, we could list those things that are more productive, but speaking of lists, McSweeney's has lists.

Here's a sample of some lists includiing elements of those lists.

------------------

Five Things Rick Astley is Never Gonna Do

Give you up.

Let you down.

Run around.

Desert you.

Touch you inappropriately.

*********
Toddler T-shirt Slogans

ACCEPTABLE

Ask me about the C-section.

More of a tit man, thanks.

Still pissed about missing the millennium.

I buried my heart at Legoland.

Waiting for Godot.

Don't let Tony Danza touch me.

Stop the war. Already.

Stunt double for Katie Holmes's baby.

UNACCEPTABLE

Property of Child and Family Services

Glad those stairs were carpeted.

Slap me if you love Jesus.

Not quite getting this whole "MILF" phenomenon.

I beheld then because of the voice of the great words which the horn spake: I beheld even till the beast was slain, and his body destroyed, and given to the burning flame.

Daddy didn't want me.

Ask me about the extra digit.

Grandma won't shut up.

**********
COMEBACK T-SHIRTS FOR "I'M WITH STUPID" T-SHIRTS

The "With" Is a Typo

Finger Actually Pointing to Person Next to Me

Your High Standards Set an Example for Us All

Only Because "I'm With Sexy" Cost More

If Not for That Shirt, He'd Never Read

And Clearly Proud of It

I'm Rubber, You're Glue, Everything You Say [CONTINUED ON BACK]

Just Until "I'm With Genius" Shirt Back From Dry Cleaner

I Lost the Bet

That Aren't True

-------------

SEE MORE LISTS

Medium Rare

2006-08-22T14:52:00.000-04:00

It's rare that we find ourselves motivated enough to post once a month, let alone twice in one day. But we couldn't resist informing our loyal readers about this story.

Headline: Psycho killer raccoons terrorize Olympia

Excerpts:

A fierce group of raccoons has killed 10 cats, attacked a small dog and bitten at least one pet owner who had to get rabies shots, residents of Olympia say.
--snip--
"It's a new breed," said Tamara Keeton, who with Kari Hall started a raccoon watch after an emotional neighborhood meeting drew 40 people. "They're urban raccoons, and they're not afraid."
--snip--
"We used to love the raccoons. They'd have their babies this time of year, and they were so cute. Even though we lived in the city, it was neat to have wildlife around," he said, "but this year, things changed. They went nuts."
--snip--
Brown said he had seen packs of raccoons this big but none so into killing.
"They are in command up there," he said.

We heard ABC bought the movie rights.
"Think raccoons are cute? This wednesday on ABC, watch them go nuts. Psycho Killer Raccoons, Wednesday, 7pm on ABC."

link to story

Alive

2006-08-22T01:13:00.000-04:00

Tangoed and Cashed

2006-07-18T02:29:00.000-04:00

Many mistakingly believe that John Kerry was the first man to be "swift boated." Actually Ray Tango and Gabriel Cash of the movie Tango and Cash may have been the first. Although Randy Feldman is listed as the official writer, this script has Karl Rove's fingerprints all over it.

Tango (Sly Stallone) and Cash (Kurt Russell) are the best cops in Los Angeles, although they argue about who really is the best cop. Cash and Tango appear to be narcotics cops and have confiscated millions of dollars worth of cocaine. They are popular and well-loved by children and adults. They are cool, honest, and noble. As dope dealer Yves Perret exclaims, "Oh, God. Ray Tango. How he loves to dance. He waltzes in and takes all my drugs, then tangos back out again."

What could possibly be done to bring these two down? Yves Perret (Jack Palance) is a criminal mastermind. Instead of attacking the weaknesses of Tango and Cash (do they have any?) Yves goes after the strengths of Tango and Cash. He attacks their integrity and identify as honest police officers by framing them as the killers of an FBI agent! Genuis. They are convicted and sent to prison, leaving Mr. Perret free to deal his drugs in peace. As Yves himself says "what a shameful fall from glory."

Of course, the story does have a happy ending, so maybe Karl only wrote the first half.

Good Lord, that's heavy

2006-05-26T23:32:00.000-04:00

And we quote:

Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson says he has leg-pressed 2,000 pounds, but some say he'd be in a pretty tough spot if he tried.

The "700 Club" host's feat of strength is recounted on the Web site of his Christian Broadcasting Network, in a posting headlined "How Pat Robertson Leg Pressed 2,000 Pounds."

Then they add this little nugget:

According to the CBN Web site, Robertson worked his way up to lifting a ton with the help of his physician, who is not named.

Hello? His god damn doctor is Jesus, obviously.

"Where in the world did Robertson even find a machine that could hold 2,000 pounds at one time?" Travis asked.

Are you saying that the man who turned water into wine can't find a machine that holds 2,000 pounds?

One of the photos Vasko released had a digital date stamp of 1994, although she said Robertson performed the leg press in 2003. Vasko said that perhaps the date was not set properly on the camera.

Hey, the answering machine in our office always thinks it's Sunday at 1pm.

The Story

Inbetween leg presses, Pat managed to interview David Horowitz author of a new book called The Professors: The 101 Most Dangerous Academics in America.

Full interview here

A nice quote from Horowitz:
I estimate that there are 50,000 to 60,000 radical professors who want the terrorists to win and us to lose the war on terror. They regard the terrorists as freedom fighters and America is an imperialist power that oppresses third-world people, and we are the root cause of the attacks on us.
--snip--
That is because the left got a blacklist in place 20 years ago. It is ruthless and will exclude libertarians and believing Christians and, of course, conservatives, generally. It has been in place 20-25 years. So there is just a dwindling number of conservatives left on the faculties.

Glass of Wine in Her Hand

2006-05-25T12:04:00.000-04:00

Here's a headline ripped from the front page of the internet

Study: Most young kids glued to the TV

Apparently kids are watching the television:

Eight in 10 of the nation's youngest children — babies up to age 6 — watch TV, play video games or use the computer for about two hours on a typical day. A third live in homes where the TV is on most of the time.

The results are horrifying:

Another mother told Kaiser she stopped watching "ER" reruns when her preschooler tried to give her little brother CPR.

"What is the impact on little kids of watching shows like 'CSI' or 'ER'?" asked Rideout. "I don't think we know the answer to that. I don't know that people really realized that kind of viewing was going on to the degree I think it is."

Cleary, the elephant in the room on this one is the whole poltergeist issue. With this many kids watching television something spooky involving the spirit world is bound to happen.

An informal poll of the littleboxes staff suggests that at least 1 in 5 children is likely living right on top of a Native American burial ground. Combine that with your 8 in 10 kids watching two hours of TV and you've got yourself a major problem.

UAC

2006-05-18T11:51:00.000-04:00

Actual caption on this picture:
Unidentified guests arrive for the world premiere of U.S. director Ron Howard's out of competition film 'The Da Vinci Code' at the 59th Cannes Film Festival May 17, 2006.

1) Ass cheeks usually go unidentified
2) Maybe if they took a picture of her face they might realize who it is.

Doldrums

2006-05-18T11:39:00.000-04:00

We are so depressed. As many of you know, it really sucks when you get sick. Just awful. Although we've found it doesn't really impact the first 12 hours of our day that much. We all still take an afternoon nap and have our 3pm coke snort right on schedule. It seriously hampers going out at night though. Bummer.

What sucks even worse than being sick though is when your customer gets sick. Some of you aren't wealthy enough to have a customer. Relax, if you work hard, your great grand children might be that wealthy! Actually, probably not. Blame your lazy ancestors for not making the proper investments.

But anyway, customer sick = problems. One of us was actually forced to buy something from a drug store the other day. We made her take a shower as soon as she got back. Can you imagine all the common germs that are in a drug store? Actually, you probably can because you have them. Silly us.

It really sucks buying stuff for yourself. Mingling with the common folk is kinda interesting when you're in your teens but it is so 1996.

And the god damn indignity of having to actually count your money and worry about change. We couldn't give a shit about change but it draws too much attention when you pay with a C-note and just walk away. "Excuse me, sir? What about your change?"

As much as we don't care about the change, we certainly don't think the lazy check out bitch should get the money. Girl needs to learn a little self-reliance.

Fishing Hole

2006-05-09T12:42:00.000-04:00

When you walk through the garden
you gotta watch your back
well I beg your pardon
walk the straight and narrow track
if you walk with Jesus
he's gonna save your soul
you gotta keep the devil
way down in the hole
he's got the fire and the fury
at his command
well you don't have to worry
if you hold on to Jesus's hand
we'll all be safe from Satan
when the thunder rolls
just gotta help me keep the devil
way down in the hole
All the angels sing about Jesus's mighty sword
and they'll shield you with their wings
and keep you close to the lord
don't pay heed to temptation
for his hands are so cold
you gotta help me keep the devil
way down in the hole

Big Rabbit

2006-04-08T22:10:00.000-04:00

That's a big rabbit.

Wish I Did Have a Pair

2006-02-10T00:32:00.000-05:00

Associated Press:

It took the combined efforts of several countries to break up this plot," Bush said. "By working together we stopped a catastrophic attack on our homeland."

Reuters:

Court papers released last week show that Libby was authorized to disclose classified information to news reporters by "his superiors," in an effort to counteract diplomat Joe Wilson's charge that the Bush administration twisted intelligence on Iraq's nuclear weapons to justify the 2003 invasion.

The National Journal, a U.S. weekly magazine, citing attorneys familiar with the matter, reported that Cheney was among those superiors referred to in a letter from prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald to Libby's lawyers.

What the hell is up with this Homeland crap! Homeland?
Meanwhile, Dick may be in trouble. We can only hurt Dick if it doesn't hurt the homeland. The homeland is our most precious commodity.

Whatever.

Only Lies That We're Living

2006-01-19T23:09:00.000-05:00

And we thought nothing could bring us back...

It is what you think it is.

Just Like That

2005-11-30T09:07:00.000-05:00

Maybe we have foggy memories, but things like this were not said before the war. But do the American people have a long enough memory for these kind of statements to piss them off?

The White House report says victory in Iraq will take time.

"It is not realistic to expect a fully functioning democracy, able to defeat its enemies and peacefully reconcile generational grievances, to be in place less than three years after Saddam (Hussein) was finally removed from power," the report said.

LINK

We're happy to welcome the Bush administration back to reality, but didn't you guys and gals know it wouldn't be easy before you started this thing? If you didn't know, you're a bunch of assholes. If you did, but didn't tell the county, you're a bunch of assholes.

All we remember before the war was talk about mushroom clouds and how it really wouldn't be that hard to create a democracy in Iraq. Why, they were an educated secular people with oil money that could be used for reconstruction.

We don't know about you, but Bjorn informed us, that after listening to the Bush administration's prewar pep talks about Iraq this is what he pictured Baghdad might look like 3 years after the invasion:

Common

2005-11-14T00:27:00.000-05:00

OK. We're a pretty shy group here, especially when it comes to fashion. But sometimes, crimes are committed. Horrible, unspeakable crimes that violate our sense of common decency. We've been noticing once such egregious violation of good taste with increasing regularity.

Our Claim: Pointy shoes are ugly.

Our Argument:
People! Stop wearing the pointy shoes. They are ugly. They look especially bad on men. Ugh. These are the leisure suits of our era. They look like court jester shoes. They aren't comfortable, they look like shit.

Our Evidence:
They look stupid.

They make otherwise hot women look bad. (well, not that bad)

They encourage silly behavior.

They look soooo bad.

Our Amendment: insert the adjective "fucking" before ugly.

Our Verdict: Point shoes, fucking ugly.

Did It Have To Be That Guy?

2005-10-27T11:16:00.000-04:00

As idle sons and daughters of the independently wealthy we've been known to partake in the consumption of a rather wide assortment of illicit drugs. You name it, we've taken it. We're also certain that if some of our wealth-challenged readers have not heard of it, we've definitely taken it. There really is no greater pleasure than partaking in activities that are only known to our select group.

There is always talk about medical marijuana and to a lesser extent (unless you are on a college campus) talk of legalizing marijuana. Frankly, we don't give a damn. We are so well connected, and we do mean to rub it in, that it's almost as if the damn stuff is legal. What are you going to do, arrest us? Please.

Yet, we do feel tiny pangs of sympathy in our hearts for our relatively less wealthy friends who do, indeed, take on some risks while consuming their rather low-grade versions of the magical herb. We wouldn't really call these "people" our friends, but it certainly ups one's sensitivity quotient when one can be seen to rather deftly interact with persons across at a least a few of the social spectrums.

So, it saddens our hearts to see articles discussing the benefits of marijuana accompanied by pictures of this sort:

The caption reads something like "Man smokes a marijuana cigarette at a protest in Toronto." People, this man has green hair. Movie star Matthew McConaughey is known to smoke a doobie. Why not accompany the article with this picture?

Editor's note: We apologize for the lack of recent posts. Motivation is such an intermittent flame. And, of course, no one expects literally everyone in the office to come down with the same mysteriously itchy STD within the same week. We have to start inviting a wider collection of people to our parties.

The Pizza Man

2005-10-14T19:37:00.000-04:00

One of our best posts ever was a post about pizza delivery people. Of course, we didn't write that post, we just cobbled together bits from an article about pizza delivery persons in City Pages. We're much too lazy to link to our old post, but we will link to this new post at City Pages written by a man (presumably) called the Pizza Man or something.
Funny shit.
---------------------
So I take this order over to XXXX Cheapskate Avenue last night. It's a couple of pies and some beverages. The total comes to $38 even.

I walk up the steps, ring the bell, knock on the door.

No answer.

I knock again.

A metrosexual guy dressed in a white, untucked button-up shirt and baggy jeans with gel in his hair appears on the other side of the glass. (If you want to know what kind of guy I'm talking about, hang out in front of Rosen's on a Friday night.) He's talking on his cell. He looks at me and holds up his index finger.

"It's just the pizza guy," he says and keeps talking.

I wait for a minute or two (or forever) and finally he comes to the door.

"Hey there, guy," he says. (I hate being called "guy.")

"That'll be $38, please."

"Uh, yeah, here."

He hands me exactly $38. I hand him the pizzas.

"Was there something wrong?" I ask.

"No. Why?"

"Because people usually tip..." I begin.

"Oh yeah...here. Have a day."

He reaches into his pocket, pulls out a dollar bill, flips it toward me and shuts the door.

I grab the dollar in midair and look at it.

"Thanks a fuckin' lot, pal," I say to no one.

I get in the car, still clutching the dollar.

What a slap in the face, what an asshole.

"Have a day"? What the fuck?

The weird thing is, this was the second man of the night who wore that exact outfit and tipped poorly. The other guy even said, "Have a day," as well.

What's up with these fuckers? Is there some kind of club where everybody dresses the same, tips badly, and says, "Have a day"?

I sure as shit hope not.

LINK

The Army

2005-10-11T12:30:00.000-04:00

We read this today in an AP article about what the Army is doing to increase the number of new recruits:

Make more use of what DuBois calls "lead refinements" — the use of computer technology to refine recruiters' leads on potential enlistees. Using mathematical formulas based in part on demographics, a recruiter can more easily prioritize his or her high-payoff leads and thus become more productive. Ten of the Army's 41 recruiting battalions now use this technology; the Army wants to double it to 20 or more.

Some people read that and find nothing weird. Others may read it become a bit scared. We are part of the latter group. Demographics? OK, it's not as if the Army doesn't target specific groups at the moment or throughout history, but the thought of them becoming more effective at this is a bit crazy.

Most people who are interested in Military service are interested in military service and might seek it out. It becomes a bit more touchy when the Army is out convincing people to join up. The formulas are aimed at finding out which groups are the easiest to convince. Easiest to convince does not necessarily translate well into such concepts as "a good thing" or "beneficial to the individual."

libby's in our office

2005-10-01T19:50:00.000-04:00

actually, libbies in our office remind us of this dog and the hydrant might represent the republican party. So after years of pissing on the repubs the libbies are now feasting on leaks...possibly provided by Scooter Libby.

Wow, that was pathetic.

Anyway...what kind of a person goes by the name Scooter after the age 14?

Backfield in Motion

2005-09-16T15:52:00.000-04:00

This is interesting...no really, it is. IBM is offering to give employees money to become math and science teachers.

You see, firms often want to become more productive so that they can make more money. A firm can become more productive because it acquires more capital or different, more efficient capital. A firm can also become more productive if it acquires more knowledgable and effective employees. This is often called improving human capital.

Firms often invest in capital to make themselves more productive. Firms have a more difficult time investing in human capital. An example of an investment in human capital is education. But firms dont' really want to invest in education because they don't get to capture all of the benefits. Let's say Microsoft opens up a school and pays to educate everyone, they may derive minimal benefits from this as none of the students may eventually choose to work for Microsoft. Another classic example is a company training its workers so that they learn new skills. These employees could then take these new skills with them when they leave the company (maybe even before they even use them for the employer that paid for them).

Because of the relative ease of capital investment and the relative difficulty of human capital investment, we (the United States) have a chronic under investment in human capital. We're not producing enough highly educated people who can perform in the workplace at a high level.

Galbraith talks about his in his classic "The Affluent Society."

IBM is making an investment!

The goal is to help fill shortfalls in the nation's teaching ranks, a problem expected to grow with the retirement of today's educators.

Math and science are of particular concern to companies in many U.S. industries that expect to need technical workers but see low test scores in those subjects and waning interest in science careers.

"Over a quarter-million math and science teachers are needed, and it's hard to tell where the pipeline is," said Stanley Litow, head of the IBM Foundation, the Armonk, N.Y.-based company's community service wing. "That is like a ticking time bomb not just for technology companies, but for business and the U.S. economy."

While many companies encourage their employees to tutor schoolchildren or do other things to get involved in education, IBM believes it is the first to guide workers toward switching into a teaching career.

Meanwhile...President Bush promises to cut spending to pay for the New Orleans recovery effort. That is, he does not want to raise taxes so that we can keep spending the same and yet also finance the recovery effort.

"You bet it will cost money, but I'm confident we can handle it," he said.

Bush spoke after his advisers warned that Hurricane Katrina relief and reconstruction costs will swell the national debt by $200 billion or beyond. "It's going to cost whatever it costs," he said. "We're going to be wise about the money we spend."

This comment comes from the philosophy that we already invest enough money in public works. That is, we are wasting money, it has a higher return elsewhere, let's cut government spending.

But what if we aren't investing enough in human capital? Furthermore, Bush focuses on output, asserting that we must keep output at high levels by keeping taxes low.

"I means we're going to have to make sure we cut unnecessary spending. It's going to mean that we maintain economic growth and we should not raise taxes," he said.

The output he's talking about comes from the private sector which overwhelmingly produces goods that do not lead to the accumulation of human capital.

If Mr. Bush takes his pledge to remedy inequality seriously, he should help improve the education of the children of New Orleans.

Some might argue that education spending might increase if output increases and more tax revenue is collected from this increased output. But the most effective way of increasing the lack of human capital would be to cut private investment and increase public invest. The return is obviously higher for public investment.

On The Road Again

2005-09-15T09:31:00.000-04:00

Damn it all to hell! It's always been somewhat of a struggle for me to be a gay conservative. Sometimes, but not always, the Republican party seems less than inviting . Yet I've managed to realize that although the Democratic party is midly more accepting, they are certainly not embracing enough to earn my vote. My libertarian beliefs just align myself more firmly with the more conservative element of our society. I certainly don't hate myself as some will suggest.

But, damn it all to hell. According to this article, it looks like we are going to have to move our office again!

Investigators appointed by the Vatican have been instructed to review each of the 229 Roman Catholic seminaries in the United States for "evidence of homosexuality" and for faculty members who dissent from church teaching, according to a document prepared to guide the process.

I thought for awhile that my lack of success in the sexual arena might save our office but then I read this:

Edwin O'Brien, archbishop for the United States military, told The National Catholic Register that the restriction should apply even to those who have not been sexually active for a decade or more.

Meanwhile, the liberals are going all goofy because President Bush accepted responsibility. Well, that's one more difference between me and your average snot-nosed liberal: It takes more than responsibility to get me all hot and bothered.

-Marcus

Never Did Nothing

2005-09-13T11:14:00.000-04:00

I wouldn't do again...

There's a story circulating about how listening to music with headphones damages a person's ears. These worries have increased because so many young people are listening to iPods like 24/7.

Increasingly, Novak says he's seeing too many young people with "older ears on younger bodies" — a trend that's been building since the portable Walkman made its debut a few decades back.

(link)

We weren't that worried about the increasing use of iPods among the young but then we saw this! Good Lord!

BB

2005-09-06T10:09:00.000-04:00

So, Barbara Bush, the former first lady, what do you think about the hurricane victims that have come to Texas?

"What I'm hearing, which is sort of scary, is they all want to stay in Texas. Everyone is so overwhelmed by the hospitality," she said during a radio interview with the American Public Media program "Marketplace." "And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this is working very well for them."

Wow!

What the hell was she thinking? Why didn't she just tell us how she really felt?
This reminds us of that old Hall and Oates song:

Shake it up is all that we know
Using the bodies up as we go
Waking up to fantasy
The shates all around aren't the colors we used to see
Broken ice still melts in the sun
And times that are broken can often be one again
We're soul alone
And soul really matters to me
Take a look around

You're out of touch
I'm out of time
But I'm out of my head when you're not around

Reaching out for something to hold
Looking for a love where the climate is cold
Manic moves and drowsy dreams
Or living in the middle between the two extremes
Smoking guns hot to the touch
Would cool down if we didn't use them so much
We're soul alone
And soul really matters to me
Too much

Ok, that's her grandaugther, but whatever.

Narrator Still Missing

2005-09-04T12:18:00.000-04:00

It seems quite possible that our narrator has been missing because he (gasp!) has been forced to seek employment. His grandfather would not be pleased, but maybe if his grandfather had been smarter, the narrator's trust fund would have been of ample size. Of course, there is the death tax, but we actually don't mind the death tax, being the limited-redistribution friendly trust-fund liberals that we are.

Anyway, both Marcus (our new, rather conservative, de-facto leader) and the nameless narrator are absent right now. Marcus and a few others went down to Graceland and are on their way back as we speak.

Marcus's absence has allowed the remaining liberals to control the posting in between marcus's visits to Kinkos.

Here's more from the flood in New Orleans from the washington post:

To those who wonder why so many stayed behind when push came to water's mighty shove here, those who were trapped have a simple explanation: Their nickels and dimes and dollar bills simply didn't add up to stage a quick evacuation mission.
--snip--
"I don't own a car. Me and my wife, we travel by bus, public transportation. The most money I ever have on me is $400. And that goes to pay the rent. And that $400 is between me and my wife." Her name is Dorth Dunbar; she was trying to get some rest after days of peril.

Dunbar estimated his annual income to be about $20,000, which comes from doing graphic design work when he can get it. Before the storm, when he and his wife estimated how much money they needed to flee the city, he was saddened by the reality that he could not come up with anywhere near the several thousand dollars he might need for a rental car and airfare.

"If I took my wife out to dinner, it was once a month," he said, sounding as if even those modest good times had come to an abrupt end. "We'd go to Piccadilly's. Never any movies. Really, it's a simple life. I go to work, come home, talk to my wife, go to bed, then back to work again. A basic existence."

------------
Situations like the one above are a consequence of our economic system and our general priorities as a society. These priorities are reflected in our choice of a president, but the blame for this kind of poverty does not lie with President Bush anymore than it lies with Bill Clinton or Ronald Reagan. Sure, poverty has increased under the new Bush but it would not have disappeared under president Gore, for example.

But certainly, our society has revealed that it does not believe that everyone should have the right to flee a natural disaster. It has revealed that this right, like many others, should be bestowed upon those with enough resources to marshal the market forces in the correct direction (that would be any direction that leads out of town in this case). Seeing people die in this flood reveals to the United States what its priorities are.

The basic fact is that given ample resources many of those who stayed and suffered or stayed and died could have been evacuated. Local and state officials pleaded for evacuation, but neither the state or the federal government offered help to those who could not afford to evacuate. Who should they have called if they didn't have enough money to rent a car or take the bus? What should the elderly have done if they had no relatives in the area and were unable to drive or travel alone?

Most states and localities have no answers to these types of questions? Why? It is because most of us have deemed this questions unworthy of being answered. It might take too much time and effort to ensure everyone's safety.

We're sure that Marcus might argue that we could make highways 100% safe if we wanted to. We could legislate a 20mph speed limit and patrol them like crazy to ensure that no one would every die on our highways. We don't do that, however, because it would be expensive and it would sacrifice travel speed. In that situation we have revealed that we have other priorities besides safety. We try to balance out a priority of safety with our other priorities.

So, maybe its possible we could have saved everyone in New Orleans but it would have been too expensive or it would have interferred too much with our other priorities. Now is the time we all need to revevaluate our priorities and decide what kind of society that we want to live in.

We, certainly don't want to live in this one. Love it or leave it? Nah, love it and change it? Well, we have other priorities besides changing our society. For example, we'd probably break our string of seeing every movie that comes to the local theater if we did political work. Or we might have to spend too much of our trust funds and end up getting actual jobs. Frankly, that is so beneath us. It is our place in live to direct the action from the sidelines. It is our purpose to broadcast our opinions and let the marketplace of ideas reject them if it so pleases.

AP Photos

2005-09-03T13:49:00.000-04:00

At the moment, Marcus is somwhere between here and Graceland. So we continue to post from the home office.

Note the captions of these photos.

check out:
click here!

I go to the bathroom and...

2005-09-03T13:01:00.000-04:00

fucking chaos ensues. We thought we had this whiny liberals under control. But no...the conservatives in the office got out for a little celebratory lunch, which turns into more of a three day road trip to Graceland, and we get these shitty posts from our overeducated friends from the back of the office. Well, thank god for Kinkos internet access! Without Kinkos we could not be with you today.

Katrina, Katrina, let down your hair.

"This is what happens to poor people in America."

No, this is what happens to people in NATURAL disasters.

We'd tell the liberals to stop whining and get a job, but since we all have trust funds and no jobs, (well not all of us, but those of us that actually matter) we'll keep that one to ourselves.

WMD?

2005-09-02T15:51:00.000-04:00

Greed is a weapon of mass destruction?

One of our staff brings up the point that perhaps if Halliburton had not overstated expenses by billions of dollars we might have some additional monies available for aid to New Orleans.

Perhaps.

We read this morning that some people could not evacuate because they could not afford enough gasoline for their automobiles. If the hurricane had only struck a week later they would have had their paychecks and been able to leave or buy a bus ticket. So much for perfect markets. We're sure that payday loan places were also not about to give out loans before the hurricane, possibly figuring that they may not get paid for awhile if the flooding was bad and disrupted the local economy.

This is so Fucked

2005-09-01T22:09:00.000-04:00

We'd like to say we can't believe this, but this is what happens in America when poor people are in trouble.

New Orleans (AP) [LINK}
-----------------------------

"I'm not sure I'm going to get out of here alive," said Canadian tourist Larry Mitzel, who handed a reporter his business card in case he goes missing. "I'm scared of riots. I'm scared of the locals. We might get caught in the crossfire."
--snip--

New Orleans' top emergency management official called that effort a "national disgrace" and questioned when reinforcements would actually reach the increasingly lawless city.

About 15,000 to 20,000 people who had taken shelter at New Orleans convention center grew increasingly hostile after waiting for buses for days amid the filth and the dead. Police Chief Eddie Compass said there was such a crush around a squad of 88 officers that they retreated when they went in to check out reports of assaults.

"We have individuals who are getting raped, we have individuals who are getting beaten," Compass said. "Tourists are walking in that direction and they are getting preyed upon."

--snip---
"This is a desperate SOS," Nagin said in a statement. "Right now we are out of resources at the convention center and don't anticipate enough buses."

At least seven bodies were scattered outside the convention center, a makeshift staging area for those rescued from rooftops, attics and highways. The sidewalks were packed with people without food, water or medical care, and with no sign of law enforcement.

An old man in a chaise lounge lay dead in a grassy median as hungry babies wailed around him. Around the corner, an elderly woman lay dead in her wheelchair, covered up by a blanket, and another body lay beside her wrapped in a sheet.

"I don't treat my dog like that," 47-year-old Daniel Edwards said as he pointed at the woman in the wheelchair.

"You can do everything for other countries, but you can't do nothing for your own people," he added. "You can go overseas with the military, but you can't get them down here."

--snip--

"This is just insanity," she said. "We have no food, no water ... all these trucks and buses go by and they do nothing but wave."

--snip--

Some of those among the mostly poor crowd had been in the dome for four days without air conditioning, working toilets or a place to bathe. An ambulance service airlifting the sick and injured out of the Superdome suspended flights as too dangerous after it was reported that a bullet was fired at a military helicopter.

--snip--

"This is not a FEMA operation. I haven't seen a single FEMA guy," he said. He added: "We can send massive amounts of aid to tsunami victims, but we can't bail out the city of New Orleans."

FEMA officials said some operations had to be suspended in areas where gunfire has broken out.

Displaced residents also expressed anger at government officials.

"All I want to say to Mayor Ray Nagin is thank you for helping us," Yolanda McZeal, 43, said calmly, sarcastically and bitterly. "Governor Blanco, thank you for helping us. President Bush, thank you for helping us."

Bad, Bad Leroy Brown

2005-08-31T17:18:00.000-04:00

Baddest Man in the Whole Damn Town...

Some of us saw Cindy Sheehan on the Bill Maher show the other night.

By the way, an informal poll of our staff shows that the best joke from the Maher Show went something like this:

Oil Companies should stop making commercials about how they care about the environment. There are these commercials where they show birds, seagulls and pigeons and talk about how they want to protect animals. The only thing pigeons and oil executives have in common is that they would both steal french fries from a baby.

Most of us laughed. Sure oil executives are greedy vultures, but that is what they are paid to be. Their efforts to maximize their profits are what makes our economy efficient. Adam Smith and the invisible hand. Each person acting in their own best interests produces an efficient society. There is nothing wrong with making money.

But even an undergraduate economics major understands that this invisible hand rule is pretty simple and assumes that their are no hidden costs to one's actions. The costs are usually only hidden to the one imposing them on others. For example, the person whose water source is Lake Superior notices the costs of water pollution in the lake, but the company that dumped their waste there 50 years ago certainly did not ever see the costs (they were hidden).

How do we reconcile our conservative beliefs with our understanding that externalities do exist? Do we trust that the market will produce technology to clean up environmental problems or that if it really did hurt consumers they would negotiate with companies and compensate them for not polluting their water?

Well, Lake Superior water drinks may bear the full costs of Lake Superior water pollution and they may be the sole beneficiaries of any clean up. Why would they not clean it up? If it was really worth it to them why wouldn't they clean it? Well, this could be a free rider problem in that the entire group of Lake Superior water drinkers must contribute money to clean up the lake. But even if one person doesn't contribute they will benefit from the clean-up. Thus all these rational people will tend to underfund clean-up efforts since they rationalize that they can minimize their contribution but still receive the benefits. Thus the market may not produce a technology because no one will pay for it.

Can consumers negotiate with companies? Where would this happen? Well, in the court room for one. We say John Travolta in Civil Action and we know you can sue companies for pollution or harms to your health. But as conservatives we kind of hate these type of lawsuits. But, at least in some cases, they are obviously good things as they make companies realize their hidden costs and this may cause them to pollute less or not at all. Of course, these lawsuits usually happen after pollution has occured.

Unfortunately, these costs are not has hidden as first implied. If they are so hidden from corporations why do they go to great lengths to hide environmental harm? For years some corporations polluted and did it in secret. Why? Did they realize the costs and just didn't want to pay? If they did it in secret they must have known that their actions would be unpopular and might even cause harm to people (like Lake Superior water drinkers). Since the knew about the costs they must have known that people might actually pay them to dispose of their waste in an environmentally friendly way.

Why did they not approach people and ask them to pay? Did they know about the free rider problem and that they just couldn't get enough cash to dispose of waste properly? Did they want to negotiate but they didn't know who to talk with? Or did they think that it was worth more to them to pollute than it was for others to keep the environment clean, meaning that people could never compenstate them enough to not pollute?

If this last point is true than the market simply has not created the incentives for negotiation. If the savings from polluting are greater than the potential compensation from consumers for being environmentally friendly than there is no reason for companies to approach consumers to ask them to pay for clean disposal.

But then why advertise about being environmentally friendly? Why care? The only way they must care is if there is some cost associated with being perceived as environmentally unfriendly. This cost must be greater than the cost of making and airing commercials.

there is no point, only writing...
-Marcus and the gang

All I need is the air that I breathe

2005-08-28T01:53:00.000-04:00

And We don't want it polluted by dirty hippies!
How's that for an update!

Dingwall

2005-08-18T10:21:00.000-04:00

More liberal whining. Ugh. It drives us crazy.

The liberals in the back of the office are still moaning about their being displaced from the prime seats next to the water cooler. In fact, just yesterday, I (that's me Marcus) got a call from one of their mothers! Can you believe that? Running to the skirts (no offense ladies) when there is trouble. Is there anything more shameless? Anyway, this guy's mother (his name is withheld so as to avoid embarassing him further) called me up and said that Bjorn deserved his seat near the water cooler and that I was making him unhappy. She said that the my initial reasons for moving him were a lie and that I continued to justify his displacement with falsities.

Well, well, well. Just because I told Bjorn he had to be temporarily moved because he was getting a new desk and then when that new desk was delivered I took this new desk, thus forcing Bjorn to sit at the card table in the back with Sven, Margie, Kyle, Laura, and Otto is no reason to cast me as the evildoer here. It is survival of the fittest, lady. I am only reinforcing the evolutionary vehicle that in the long run will only make all of us stronger and more genetically beautiful. I thought liberals liked evolution?

Anyway, on to the news of the day. More soldiers died in Iraq. These young men and women (well, mostly men) are making brave sacrifices every day. Why do the liberals continue to cheapen their sacrifice by complaining about the war? How are our soldiers supposed to fight with a clear moral certitude if we've got long hairs running around with candles chanting Kumbi-fucking-ah? Don't you get it? We're at war, we need to come together and support the effort. This is not the time to be divisive.

Once again we'd like to remind our liberal readers that Canada is a big country, there's room, they want your hippy asses, go there!

See the picture below of an anti-war Dinkelhoffer at a peace rally:

This kid obviously got his lunch taken and his hair pulled one too many times by some kid who actually had a future and saw that this loser had none. Now he's all angry and non-violent and while smoking his doobies he probably bangs some make-shift bongo drum while reciting some horrible spoken word peotry about God being love.

Well, sometimes God is love, but sometimes he needs to kick some ass.

Narration Vacation

2005-08-12T16:56:00.000-04:00

Well, wouldn't you know it. The Nameless Narrator is on vacation. That leaves me, Marcus, to post for awhile. Finally, an end to the annoying liberal slant of this publication. I will now commence with the normal use of "we"...

We here at littleboxes have turned over a new leaf. We are sick of the whining about the Iraq war. Saddam Hussein was and is a despicable human being. He deserved to be deposed as the leader of Iraq. The transition to democracy is difficult but it is a goal that must be acheived. We cannot afford to fail and some of the liberals would certainly like us to.

While some view failure as an option we believe that democracy must succeed in Iraq no matter the human costs.

Some of our friends think we should just nuke the fuckers and stop the insurgency. We aren't that stupid. We need more troops, not less and more money for the war, not less.

Sure, some of our staff are complaining from the back of the room. Aurora has rearranged the office and now JEN and I are sitting near the water cooler. You'd think the liberals would be whining about our stance on the war, but instead they are whining about the new office arrangements. These overeducated east coast liberals are shallow if they are anything. Folks, this is some prized real estate and we are not leaving anytime soon. You liberals in the back got your Kenneth Cole pants in a twist over our new desks. Well, why don't you do something about it?

Nothing! A bunch of wimps just like we thought. The conservatives will keep posting until these little liberal fairies show some backbone.

We now echo the last post and say FUCK THE DEMOCRATS. At least we believe in something. We believe in hard work.

Whelming Leaders

2005-08-11T10:49:00.000-04:00

What really gets us about Iraq is not any perceived bungling of the war. Let's say that, for argument's sake, the Bush administration is orchestrating the war perfectly and that it will be considered a stone-cold success five to ten years from now. What gets us is all the lying. Why does the administration constantly use misinformation to promote or discuss the war. They always have these rosy descriptions of the situation in Iraq and have constantly deliberately (or, alternatively idiotically) underestimated the insurgency.

Can't we just get a little honesty? Sure, there are a few staff members who brought up the fact that Democrats lie as well and that if it were a Democratic president at war they would also likely sugarcoat the truth to make sure of high public morale. But after this was said, we all laughed and yelled in unison

"FUCK THE DEMOCRATS. YES, FUCK THEM."

We dont' give a shit if the Democrats are no better than Republicans. That is not an argument. We deserve better than a bunch of lying assholes running the country. And yes, not all Democrats and Republicans in Congress are lying assholes. Some of them are really nice liars while others are surely honest assholes.

The point is that just because George W. Bush and John F. Kerry are both, shall we say, underwhelming leaders, does not mean that we (the staff at littleboxes) do not deserve just regular whelming leaders. We don't even want an overwhelming leader, just a regular whelming leader will do.

Is that too much to ask? Yes, apparently so.

new music post

2005-08-02T16:00:00.000-04:00

THE PANDA is back with some free music!!

littleboxes music

Tough Guy

2005-08-02T15:23:00.000-04:00

Bo Bice is obviously a real bad ass. Would the guys in Metallica keep rockin' if they broke their feet? We rest our case.

wow

2005-07-28T16:00:00.000-04:00

We are just shocked. We always thought OJ was a good guy. Sure he did some cocaine, but so did the president. But this news is just shocking and it has certainly changed our opinion of Mr. Simpson.

A federal judge in Miami on Tuesday ordered the former football great to pony up $25,000 in damages to DirecTV after allegedly pirating satellite TV signals.
--snip--
At the time, the feds were investigating an ecstasy, money-laundering and satellite-theft ring. Simpson was never charged in relation to the probe.

link

yes, that is O.J. and J. Edgar Hoover.

Guest Bloggin' == FUN

2005-07-21T21:46:00.000-04:00

Hey, this is THE PANDA here from littleboxes music. The kind staff at littleboxes decided to let me do some guest blogging.

I'm on a little trip to Chicago and I decided to check out the Virgin music store (mega store). Anyway, there is a life-like cardboard cutout of R Kelly in the front window and he is staring at what appears to a be a rock (card board cut out rock) on the floor. All I could think of was that R. Kelly was looking at the rock and thinking "I'd pee on that."

I couldn't find a picture of the real advertisement. So the one above will have to do.

Dead is the New Live

2005-07-19T02:30:00.000-04:00

Westmoreland is dead!

Ding Dong, Westmoreland is dead...da da da, da da da...ding dong the wicked Westmoreland is dead.

Condolences to anyone who had a good opinion of him. We're sure he touched someone's life in a positive way.

And in the spirit of all partisan bickering...After all, even Hitler had a dog, right?

The Theory Of Linear Thinking

2005-07-14T13:04:00.000-04:00

via By Night, Rock Star, check out this link to the new software iGiveUp.

we gotta run, "Cuts Like A Knife" just came on the radio in the staff lounge!

Meanwhile, check out Cooter's Place.

The Panda

2005-07-12T22:40:00.000-04:00

while we have been lazy, THE PANDA has been kinda busy. He's updated our music site twice in the last week or so. Check it out.

Meanwhile, anyone want to make any bets about what distracts the media from Karl Rove and Valerie Plame?

Next week: Are they enough missing persons and celebrity court cases to keep Nancy Grace on the air for another year?

Dying In Theory and Practice

2005-07-11T11:12:00.000-04:00

We have a few staff members who are not what one might call "fans" of NYT opinion writer Nicholas D. Kristof. However, a few of us really liked his opinion piece in today's New York Times.

Here are some bits and pieces:
Jack Newbold is a 59-year-old retired tugboat captain who is dying of bone cancer. It's one of the most painful cancers, and he doesn't want to put his wife and 17-year-old daughter through the trauma of caring for him as he loses control over his body.

So Mr. Newbold faces a wrenching choice in the coming weeks: should he fight the cancer until his last breath, or should he take a glass of a barbiturate solution prescribed by a doctor and put himself to sleep forever? He's leaning toward the latter.

"I've got less than six months to live," he said. "I don't want to linger and put my wife and family through this."
--snip--
Unfortunately, Mr. Bush is fighting to overturn the Oregon Death With Dignity law, which gives Mr. Newbold the option of hastening his death. Oregon voters twice passed referendums approving the law, which has been used since 1998, and it has wide support in the state.
--snip--
Mr. Newbold, a Vietnam veteran and former merchant seaman, is funny and blunt, with a flair for nautical language unsuitable for a family newspaper. He started with head and neck cancer. Now cancer is spreading to his bones, disabling him and forcing him to take morphine for pain.

"By God, I want to go out on my own terms," Mr. Newbold said. "I don't want someone dictating to me that I've got to lie down in some hospital bed and die in pain."

Mr. Newbold has started the process of obtaining the barbiturates; two doctors must confirm that the patient has less than six months to live, and the patient must make three requests over at least 15 days. Typically, the drug is secobarbital - the powder is removed from the capsules and mixed into water or applesauce - or pentobarbital, which comes as a liquid. Patients typically slip into a coma five minutes after taking the medication and die within two hours.
--snip--
"It's pretty weird knowing what day you're going to die, but we could plan for it," said Julie McMurchie, whose mother used the barbiturates about a week before she was expected to die naturally of lung cancer. "Two of my siblings lived out of state, and they were able to come, so we were all present. ... We were all there to hug and kiss her and tell her we loved her, and she had some poetry she wanted read to her, and it was all loving and peaceful.

----------
This brings up all sorts or difficult questions.
Would you be worried about your family seeing you suffer? Who would you want with you when you died? How do you say goodbye?

Of course, President Bush has obviously thought a lot about these and other questions. After all, he sent hundreds of people to their deaths in Texas. Did Mr. Bush ever wonder what it would be like to have someone else set the date of your death? Surely he thought about how one might say goodbye and what a person might think about in their last hours? Or did he relish the deaths of the convicted criminals he put to death? Did he note that the victims of these crimes often had no chance to know the date of their death and no chance to say goodbye or reflect on their lives? In fact, we know that Mr. Bush has thought about what someone might choose as their last words before being their death. When asked if he knew what the last words of Karla Faye Tucker were he replied that he would guess they were "Please don't kill me, please don't kill me!"

These were not Karla Faye Tucker's last words. These were :
"I would like to say to all of you, the Thornton family and Jerry Dean's family, that I am so sorry. I hope God will give you peace with this." She then whispered a farewell to her husband and thanked the warden for his kindness to her in her last hours.

I am going to be face to face with Jesus now. . . . I love you all very much. I will see you all when you get there. . . . I will wait for you.
Executed by injection, Texas.
~~ Karla Faye Tucker Brown, d. February 3, 1998

Other famous last words uttered by those about to be executed:

Good people are always so sure they're right.
Executed at San Quentin.
~~ Barbara Graham, d. June 3, 1955

I did not get my Spaghetti-O's, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this.
Executed by injection, Oklahoma.
~~ Thomas J. Grasso, d. March 20, 1995

I am innocent, innocent, innocent. Make no mistake about this. I owe society nothing. I am an innocent man and something very wrong is taking place tonight.
Executed by injection, Texas.
~~ Lionel Herrera d. May 12, 1993

I love you, mom.
Executed by injection, Texas.
~~ Clarence Lackey, d. May 20, 1997

Shoot me in the chest!
To his executioners.
~~Benito Mussolini, Italian dictator, d.1945

Hurry it up you Hoosier bastard! I could hang a dozen men while you're screwing around.
Executed by hanging Leavenworth, Kansas.
~~ Carl Panzram, d. September 5, 1930

Capital punishment: them without the capital get the punishment.
Executed in electric chair, Florida.
~~ John Spenkelink, d. May 25, 1979

You are going to hurt me, please don't hurt me, just one more moment, I beg you!
Guillotined.
~~ Madame du Barry, mistress of Louis XV, d. 1793

Take a step forward, lads. It will be easier that way.
Executed by firing squad.
~~ Erskine Childers, Irish patriot, d. November 24, 1922

And some other last words:

Am I dying or is this my birthday?
When she woke briefly during her last illness and found all her family around her bedside.
~~ Lady Nancy Astor, d. 1964

How were the receipts today at Madison Square Garden?
~~ P. T. Barnum, entrepreneur, d. 1891

Friends applaud, the comedy is finished.
~~ Ludwig van Beethoven, composer, d. March 26, 1827

I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.
~~ Humphrey Bogart, actor, d. January 14, 1957

'm bored with it all.
Before slipping into a coma. He died 9 days later.
~~ Winston Churchill, statesman, d. January 24, 1965

Damn it . . . Don't you dare ask God to help me.
To her housekeeper, who had begun to pray aloud.
~~ Joan Crawford, actress, d. May 10, 1977

My God. What's happened?
~~ Diana (Spencer), Princess of Wales, d. August 31, 1997

I'd hate to die twice. It's so boring.
~~ Richard Feynman, physicist, d. 1988

I know you have come to kill me. Shoot coward, you are only going to kill a man.
Facing his assassin, Mario Teran, a Bolivian soldier.
~~ Ernesto "Che" Guevara, d. October 9, 1967

Why do you weep. Did you think I was immortal?
~~ Louis XIV, King of France, d. 1715

I've had eighteen straight whiskies, I think that's the record . . .
~~ Dylan Thomas, poet, d. 1953

I have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have.
~~ Leonardo da Vinci, artist, d. 1519

Go on, get out - last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
To his housekeeper, who urged him to tell her his last words so she could write them down for posterity.
~~ Karl Marx, revolutionary, d. 1883

Extreme Vigilance and Opportunity

2005-07-07T11:37:00.000-04:00

London. God damn. Fucking terrorists. Innocent people dead.

We had CNN on in the office this morning. Most of us agreed that it felt a bit odd watching this one on the news. It felt like gawking. The interviews with people who were there with questions like "Would you describe the situation immediately after as filled with panic?" It's never clear whether the person they are interviewing really wants to be on television or even should be on television. The way the media just jumps on these stories feels more and more like transparent attempts to get ratings as opposed to attempts to report the news in a responsible way.

Meanwhile, Miles O'Brien on CNN could be heard waxing on about how in the summer of 2001 the U.S. was also preoccupied with shark attacks and tales of missing women. He went onto say that this complacency would likely end now. Literally 30 secounds later CNN goes to commercial and airs an advertisement for a CNN program on Sunday about Natalie Halloway.

Meanwhile, George W. Bush, coincidentally in Europe, was on television telling americans to be extremely vigilant on their way to work. That is so unhelpful. We guess he couldn't really bring himself to promise safety in case something actually did happen in the U.S. It is just sounds so empty now to suggest that commuters be really, really careful and watchful. As if prior to his remarks this was going to be national wear a blindfold during your commute day. People are saying "Damn, and here I was, even after those terrorist attacks, wearing my blindfold. Thank God the president said something!" Maybe we are being too harsh as we are unsure as to what we would say in the same situation.

Bush also went on to say things about how the leaders at the G8 summit were there talking about cleaning up the environment, eradicating AIDs, and alleviating poverty while the terrorists were there killing innocent people. We (and that's all of us here) would like to think that these are not just empty words. It would be pretty amazing if the G8 leaders used this incident to make some profound gesture to the people of the world so as to draw the starkest contrast possible with terrorism. We're talking something a bit unprecedented that they actually follow through on. That would be beautiful. It probably won't happen.

Personal Distribution of Facial Hair

2005-07-06T11:36:00.000-04:00

After careful research, we've determined that it is only OK to joke about molestation if the joke involves one or both of these things:
1) Michael Jackson
2) The facial hair of white men

If we can add anything to this list let us know.

For example, this usually gets some chuckles:

Why did Michael Jackson go to Kmart? Boy's underwear was half-off. (Ha ha!)

This isn't really a joke, but have you (our loyal readers) ever noticed that a rather disporportionate amount of child molestors seem to be white men with mustaches? Or, more correctly, that many, but not all, white men with mustaches look like child molestors. Kevin Bacon clearly would have won an Oscar for the Woodsman if he had grown a mustache. Stupid, Kevin, stupid.

Anyway, we bring this all up because of the recent horrible events in Idaho involving an 8 year girl and a 9 year old boy being molested and the boy possibly being murdered.

The guy who probably did this is from Fargo, ND (the Heartland?). He was around town asking questions about local campgrounds and local communities in the days and months before he (allegedly) abducted these two children and killed some family members. No one thought anything funny because he was so "clean cut."

Duncan was described as relaxed and clean-cut when he stopped at a store in the western Montana logging community of St. Regis more than a month ago for gas and a 12-pack of Bud Light.

He chatted with attendant Jackie Allen for nearly 15 minutes, peppering her with questions about area parks and campgrounds and asking for directions to nearby communities.

Allen said she was "shocked and stunned" to learn that the man she said visited her store was Duncan. "I know people can fool you, but he was a really clean-cut and relaxed guy," Allen said. "It's just kind of shocked me. I still don't know what to think."
(link)

This got us thinking. Maybe there are too many Michael Jackson molestation jokes? Maybe these jokes have distracted the public from the real pedophiles. The real pedophiles being clean-cut, normal-looking, white men (and R. Kelly).

The overabundance of MJ jokes (Michael got sick at a party at Neverland. He choked on a 12 year old weiner! ha ha!) might make people look for this:

instead of looking for this:

So, for starters, we all need to replace the words "Michael Jackson" with "white guy with mustache" in all the molestation jokes.

Why did the white guy with the mustache go to K-mart? Boys' underwear were half-off! (see it's funny and it will divert attention to the real "evil-doers.")

Editor's Note: We want to emphasize again that not ALL white guys with mustaches look like pedophiles, just most white guys with mustaches. For example, Sam Elliot, not a pedophile. Not even close. Sam Elliot is stud.

It's Not About Your Life

2005-07-05T13:51:00.000-04:00

We have an announcement. A member of our crack-research staff is leaving us. Yes, it is a sad day. He didn't even give us a two-week notice. He is leaving at the end of day. So, goodbye, Taleil, we'll miss you. Taleil did most of the research for our famous pizza delivery piece.

Taleil is leaving to pursue a career in art. He has only completed one piece, but he believes it has great promise. His one piece is a half-completed wood birdhouse mounted on a 4'x 4' flat piece of wood with all the tools needed to build the birdhouse lying all around the birdhouse on the piece of wood. It is "a statement on process."

This is the second time we have lost a staff member this year. You all must remember when we had to let Reginald [former HTML expert] go because of the incident with the salamander.

Bjorn [in our product placement department]has often talked of leaving but has always remained with us. His business ideas have yet to take off and seem to always involve bumper sticker ideas.

In November 2004 Bjorn came up with a bumper sticker slogan he was sure would put him in top percentile of income earners:

Rummy gives me a stiffy.

We told him it didn't rhyme, but he insisted that that "y" on the end made it catchy. Needless to say, the rest of us found the bumper sticker rather disturbing and to our knowledge Bjorn's auto is the only one that has this bumper sticker stuck on it.

He's since had another idea:

Our troops make me hard.

The rest of us thought this was a bit too on the socially unacceptable side of homoerotic shows of support for our troops. We convinced him to change the line to something homoerotic but more acceptable to the general public:

War makes me hard.

He has actually sold a half dozen copies of that one, but it has not turned out to be quite the income-generator he had hoped it would be. He is now insisting (rather loudly) that the old phrase ("Our troops make me hard") would have sold millions.

By the way, ever wonder...Who is Bob Novak? So have we!
Robert D. Novak was born Feb. 26, 1931, in Joliet, Ill. His first newspaper jobs were as a reporter for the Joliet (Ill.) Herald-News and the Champaign-Urbana (Ill.) Courier, where he worked while attending the University of Illinois (1948-1952).

Following service in the U.S. Army during the Korean War, Novak joined the staff of the Associated Press, where he worked in bureaus in Omaha, Lincoln, Indianapolis and later Washington, D.C., where he covered Congress.

In 1958, Novak left the AP for a position in the Washington Bureau of the Wall Street Journal as Senate correspondent and political reporter, becoming chief congressional correspondent for the Journal in 1961.

This is just the first piece of our new ongoing segment "Who is Bob Novak?"

Bob is the one on the right.

Long Walk Off A Short Peter

2005-06-29T21:55:00.000-04:00

So someone ran a study and found that reassuring people actually helps their mental state. Nobel Prize? Here's the article.

Excerpts:
Men worried about having a small penis are usually pretty average, but have a false idea of what the normal size is, according to a report in the medical journal Urology.
--snip--
"Men complaining of a short penis can be treated using the basic principles of sex education with objective methods of penile size evaluation," Shamloul concludes. "This combination can correct any previous sexual misconceptions, relieve unnecessary anxiety concerning penile size, and decrease the desire to undertake still-to-be verified lengthening procedures."

Of course, this study was about reassuring men that they did not, in fact, have small penises. Once again education is touted as the cure for all that ails.

However, it's quite possible that education would be catastrophic for the mental state of some men. For example, the man who promised he would deliver a rather large package to one of our fairer staff members last week, but showed up with a tic-tac container. Would he be able to handle the fact that he's possilby in the 5th percentile in terms of what he's packing? Does he talk big yet all along know he's small (just to bed his prey?)or has he somehow gone through life under the delusional belief that he's got bratwurst instead of a little smokie.

Little Smokie

Bratwurst

Or is he just plain nuts and thinks he's got a summer sausage?

The question seems to be: What is more fun? Is it more fun to make men feel better about their length and girth or is it more fun to let them know how small and unsubstantial some of them really are? Or alternatively, what is the bigger problem for society, men who feel inadequate or men who think they have footlongs?

Man a cure?

2005-06-28T09:52:00.000-04:00

A few of our more lovely staff members absolutely love getting manicures and pedicures. How in the hell did Paula Abdul end up in a place that doesn't clean their tools? We thought that she would go to high-end places that throw away their manicure tools after each customer. Ah, maybe these so-called "high-end" places aren't so clean after all. Celebrities beware!

Paula in Pain
Abdul said a trip in April 2004 to a Studio City nail shop that used unclean equipment sent her in and out of the hospital, and made her the butt of late-night talk show jokes.
--snip--
"I was publicly humiliated," Abdul said in her closing statement. "That is why with an open heart and a selfless agenda, I implore you to pass this bill."

Meanwhile...
The "American Idol" contestant who claims to have had an affair with judge Paula Abdul was cited on a misdemeanor battery charge after getting into an alleged food fight with his record company manager at a hotel, Sacramento police said Monday.

Maybe, he gave her the manicure?

First Class Mail

2005-06-27T23:24:00.000-04:00

An informal poll shows that 70% of littleboxes staff members found this editorial in the Star Tribune to be "spot on." Another 20% of the staff thinks the tribune is a commie-rag, while 10% were too loaded up on cough syrup to answer the question.

For as long as he's occupied the White House, President Bush has been denying U.S. funding to the U.N. Population Fund, an agency which is generally thought to have averted more abortions, assured more safe births and saved the lives of more mothers and infants than any other entity on Earth. By denying it U.S. funding, Bush is fueling the very fire he wants to extinguish: abortion.

So long as women around the world experience unwanted pregnancies, it's pretty much certain that abortion rates will remain lamentably high. The same goes for poverty- and childbirth-related death rates.

The surest way to reduce all these troubling numbers is to guarantee that women everywhere have access to contraception and other reproductive health services. Yet as the UNFPA notes, nearly a quarter-billion women lack such access -- virtually all of them in developing countries.

That quarter-billion signifies more poverty, more abortions, more maternal and child deaths, all of which the United States should be clamoring to help the UNFPA avert. Yet as the years pass, President Bush has grown more and more steadfast in his insistence that the United States won't support UNFPA. His reason? He seems to have swallowed some serious misinformation alleging that UNFPA's work in China underwrites forced abortions there.

Even the president's own investigators found no proof of UNFPA involvement in such coercive tactics. The administration shrugged off that finding last week -- accusing the UNFPA of giving its "seal of approval" to China's "birth limitation" program and urging the agency to halt all operations in the country.

The charge is as baseless as the call for withdrawal is dangerous. As UNFPA chief Thoraya Obaid frequently notes, the agency's 26-year presence in China has helped nudge the country to back away from the coercive policies of the past.
China's deputy U.N. ambassador Zhang Yishan granted the point last week: With UNFPA's help, he said, China has launched dozens of population-management programs based on "advanced-international concepts" in which strong-arming plays no part.

That's progress -- the sort any fan of freedom should applaud. Bush nevertheless remains resolved to withhold this year's $34 million contribution to the UNFPA. Earlier this month, the House of Representatives rejected a measure that would have required the money's transfer.

The Senate, which has yet to consider the matter, may very well manage a word of protest against this counterproductive parsimony. But the protest won't stop abortion or save lives. President Bush foreclosed that option when he decided to deny UNFPA funding again.

By deprived the agency of U.S. money, the president will effectively keep the UNFPA from preventing thousands of abortions and maternal and child deaths -- not to mention the birth of millions of children destined to crushing poverty.
And the reason the president favors this is ... ?

usability testing

2005-06-22T17:06:00.000-04:00

Did you know that it's difficult to find a good picture of a box of Edy's Whole Fruit Strawberry fruit bars on the internet? We thought it would be an easy task. However, all we can find is some tiny-ass pictures that are kinda blury once they become even remotely visible.

We had this entire post planned about how Edy's Whole Fruit fruit bars (like popsicles only better and with actual strawberrys inside!) had changed our lives. How if we purchase 6 boxes of these things for the office they are gone inside of an hour. Really good stuff.

We read a story today about how some study found that cell phone use distracts drivers. We hope to hell that they didn't get federal funding for that crap. No shit it distracts drivers. The god damn radio distracts drivers. Should we ban radios in cars? All we know is that a driver talking on the cell phone increases the chances by about 65% that they were the asshole that cut off the littleboxes van at the intersection by Blockbuster last week. Bastards!

Meanwhile, the news of the world is becoming more stale than a opened bag of week old cheetos. Why can't someone just put the media out of its misery? We can't take any more stories about John Bolton or the hunt for Osama. Why is it that everytime someone in the government mentions that we are close to finding Osama Bin Laden that the media reports it without any context? There is no mention that we've been told this at least half a dozen times before with no results. We here at littleboxes hope that the United States is able to catch Mr. OBL Laden. However, why doesn't the government just shut up about it until they actually have results?

Even more meanwhile, here's something else we don't understand: Why is Bjorn [in our product placement department] so damn gassy today? Good Lord. There's only so much that a refillable Glade plug-in air freshner can do against a stench like that.

Dunderbonks

2005-06-06T15:21:00.000-04:00

Taibbi (our new favorite person) writes about religion and politics in the good ol' US of A.

There is a feeling among the pointy-headed secular set that the evangelicals are a doomed anachronism who will die out with increased exposure to the open air, and that hitching a political wagon to their causes must result in failure.
--snip--
This is a common belief among the overeducated east coast set. It is also exactly what H.L. Mencken believed 80 years ago, when he filed what he thought was the obituary of American yahoo-ism from Dayton, Tennessee. He concluded from the Scopes trial: "On the one side was bigotry, ignorance, hatred, superstition, every sort of blackness that the human mind is capable of. And on the other side was sense. And sense achieved a great victory."

Little did Mencken know that 80 years after Dayton, the supporters of William Jennings Bryan's point of view would still outnumber the supporters of Clarence Darrow's opinion by a ratio of about five to one; not just in Tennessee, but in the country at large. Polls on the issue have been remarkably consistent for decades. A New York Times survey last year showed that 55 percent of Americans believed that "God created us in our present form," while only 13 percent believed that "we evolved from less-advanced life-forms over millions of years, and God did not directly guide this process." A similar Gallup poll in 1997 placed those numbers at 44-10; in 1991, the numbers were 47-9.
--snip--
A large statistical majority of Americans would rather live their whole lives in perpetual fear of the devil than listen to ten minutes of common sense. When you consider where these people live intellectually, the idea that the Democratic Party can somehow succeed in Middle America by making small tactical changes, by waving a few more flags, seems absurd. You either believe in the devil or you don't; and if you don't, you're never going to fool these people.
--snip--
They [Republican Strategists] know that most political trends are fleeting. Liberalism vanished at the first sign of trouble; pacifism disappeared one generation after Vietnam; even fiscal conservatism is easily forgotten. The one thing that never disappears in this country is stupidity, and if you court it, you'll always have votes down the line. Especially when it lives on unopposed.

[see entire article in NYpress]

Update:
Much chatter in the office from a rather vocal minority. This rather vocal minority has as its leader a man who, like the president's brother, likes to be referred to by his initials. As in, J.E.B. for John Ellis Bush. We (most of us) always thought it was a bit weird that saying Jeb Bush was like saying John Ellis Bush Bush, kind of like those people who get upset when someone says PIN number (again, because you're saying personal identification number number). Note that although we do find it odd that our fellow staff member uses his initials as his first name, he has remained employmed here (although he was almost fired after that incident with the floor mop).

Anyway, our fellow staff member, GEN (who is man, GEN stands for Gerald Elias NXXx, we don't share last names) believes that creationism should be taught in college level biology courses.

[Sidebar: GEN is a pretty courageous guy. First off, he goes by a woman's name and second, his viewpoint is not really popular in our office but he sticks to his guns. It was not Gen's parents intention that he be known by his initials, they, to this day, still prefer Gerald. We wonder if Jeb Bush was ment to be Jeb?]

Gen believes that colleges and universities just serve to indoctrinate people against religious thought. He really hates this. It makes him very angry. He doesn't think that people who believe in the devil are stupid or live in some intellectual wasteland. He is a very intelligent guy, at least in terms of test scores and attending a well respected college and having a well paying job.

Looks like Gen is satified at least somewhat by our efforts to inform you, are loyal reader(s) of his opinion. Although he is starting to question the set up of having a narrator who expresses all of our opinions to the world. He is asking us "what would be so bad about having me type something from time to time?" Hold on there, Gen, it is that kind of talk, as opposed to religious talk, that gets people fired around here.

Off With Their Heads!

2005-06-04T00:49:00.000-04:00

From the Associated Press: U.S. intelligence and foreign allies have growing evidence that wanted terrorists have been residing in Iran despite repeated American warnings to Tehran not to harbor them.

The evidence, which stretches over several years, includes communications by a fugitive mastermind of the 1996 Khobar Towers bombing and the capture of a Saudi militant who appeared in a video in which Osama bin Laden confirmed he ordered the Sept. 11 attacks, according to U.S. and foreign officials.

They spoke on condition of anonymity because much of the evidence remains classified.

There is, of course, no mention of past U.S. intelligence failures. Are these intelligence findings incorrect? We certainly don't know, but you'd think a qualified reporter might mention that intelligence from anonymous sources regarding the harboring of terrorists should be taken with a bit of skepticism. Maybe we missed the sarcasm?

full text

Private Thoughts

2005-06-03T11:27:00.000-04:00

We apologize for the lack of new posts. Bad fish. Ugh.

On Projects and Process

2005-05-25T12:09:00.000-04:00

Tobias Wolff (novelist) talks to The Believer about the writing process:

Everything I've written, including this book [Old School], has seemed to me, at one point or another, something I probably ought to abandon. Even the best things I've written have seemed to me at some point very unlikely to be worth the effort I had already put into them. But I know I have to push through. Sometimes when I get to the other end it still won't be that great, but at least I will have finished it. For me, it's more important to keep the discipline of finishing things than to be assured at every moment that it's worth doing.

We don't believe that the article is available online. Pick up a copy of The Believer, it's a fine magazine (with no advertising!!).

They do have an entire interview with Steve Martin available.

Steve says (among other things): “THERE’S A MOMENT WHEN YOU’RE FAMOUS AND IT’S UNBEARABLE TO GO OUT BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO FAMOUS. AND THEN THERE’S A MOMENT WHEN YOU’RE FAMOUS JUST RIGHT.”

Does The Audi Need an Oil Change?

2005-05-23T11:05:00.000-04:00

I'm sure that some of our readers remember Pat Tillman. He's the former NFL football player who left his job (as an NFL player) to join the army. He served at least two tours of duty in Afgahnistan before he was killed in the line of duty. Upon his death he was immediately hailed as a hero and images of him and tales of his heroic death were everywhere.

As everyone found out much later, Tillman's death was the result of friendly fire. The story initially told by the army was one of a man leading his troops into battle against Taliban forces and being killed while saving one his men.

We believe that dying because of friendly fire should not diminish Tillman's sacrifice or make him any less of a hero. However, apparently, the Army disagrees. They lied about his death and Tillman's family is pissed.

"Pat had high ideals about the country; that's why he did what he did," Mary Tillman said in her first lengthy interview since her son's death. "The military let him down. The administration let him down. It was a sign of disrespect. The fact that he was the ultimate team player and he watched his own men kill him is absolutely heartbreaking and tragic. The fact that they lied about it afterward is disgusting."

link to article

Editor's Note: The book of choice right now in the littleboxes office is Spanking the Donkey by Matt Taibbi. After reading his work we've become even more painfully aware of our incessant use of the passive voice in our cliche-ridden prose. We'd like to apologize to our readers for our overall lack of writing ability. We hope you continue to enjoy reading things written at a fifth grade (is that too high?) level. Thank you for your time.

Given to Fly

2005-05-19T18:42:00.000-04:00

Turns out the world is complicated. Is the world, whatever that is, capable of being understood?

We read a few other blogs here at littleboxes. Zap has been writing a lot about causality and models of the world. He seems likes a rather curious guy and what is confusing him right now is how people (like us?) come to understand the world. Specifically how do we come to understand what causes what? Do we view the world as completely random? That would, for example, describe a view that "It doesn't matter whether or not I work hard, any raise I get will be completely random." Or, another example, "I don't need to show up for work because I may just get fired randomly anyway." Clearly, the whole everything is random model doesn't hold up too well. What works a little better is assigning some causation to things. For example, "I believe that if I work hard my chances at a raise are better than they would otherwise be." Of course, it's possible that at your workplace, if it's anything like ours, only awards raises to people who know people. Our co-worker Alex is a lazy fucker who often shows up to work completely high and wearing a gorilla costume, yet he is our highest paid employee. Turns out that Alex is the boss's son in-law.

Anyway. Y over at Yin-Yang was writing recently about Iraq and commenting on the idea that we should pull out of Iraq now.

We started to try to think of what our opinion on the whole Iraq mess is. Specifically, do we have answer to the question, should we pull all our troops out of Iraq now?

Well, unfortunately, we don't have answer. Of course, only two answers really exist to that question. All other answers are variations on the whole "yes/no" theme. But, we really don't know the, in Zap's terms, "model" for what is happening in Iraq. Would pulling out do any good? We have no idea. Sure it would likely save some american lives in the short run, but what about the long run?

We're sure that arguments could be made on both sides, but does anyone really know the answer? How can anyone, or any group, really be sure of what is causing what over there or anywhere? Seems like everyone is just making "educated" guesses. Of course, no one admits this. Would it be just too scary to the public if our leaders came out and said, "well, we're really not sure we are doing the right thing, but we have to do something, and given what we think we know, we're proceeding like this..." ?.

Now, if we were in charge and just had to make a decision, it would simply be our best guess. But, we have a hard time even speculating on what that "best guess" would be. It's just so god damn complicated. We would be paralyzed with fear.

Maybe it would be better to act with (apparent) complete certainty, like Dear Leader.

We enjoy reading...

2005-05-12T16:15:00.000-04:00

Matt Taibbi.

See his review of Tom Friedman's new book "The World is Flat." (link)

It's impossible to divorce "The World Is Flat" from its rhetorical approach. It's not for nothing that Thomas Friedman is called "the most important columnist in America today." That it's Friedman's own colleague at the New York Times (Walter Russell Mead) calling him this, on the back of Friedman's own book, is immaterial. Friedman is an important American. He is the perfect symbol of our culture of emboldened stupidity. Like George Bush, he's in the reality-making business. In the new flat world, argument is no longer a two-way street for people like the president and the country's most important columnist. You no longer have to worry about actually convincing anyone; the process ends when you make the case.

Things are true because you say they are. The only thing that matters is how sure you sound when you say it. In politics, this allows America to invade a castrated Iraq in self-defense. In the intellectual world, Friedman is now probing the outer limits of this trick's potential, and it's absolutely perfect, a stroke of genius, that he's choosing to argue that the world is flat. The only thing that would have been better would be if he had chosen to argue that the moon was made of cheese.

And that's basically what he's doing here. The internet is speeding up business communications, and global labor markets are more fluid than ever. Therefore, the moon is made of cheese. That is the rhetorical gist of "The World Is Flat." It's brilliant. Only an America-hater could fail to appreciate it.

Mr. Taibbi also wrote a nice little article for Rolling Stone last year. The article chronicles his adventures as an undercover republican in Florida. Good stuff. We think he has a book as well, but even though we could help him sell a few million copies, the only thing we endorse is easy cheese.

Here's another sweet part of the Taibbi review of Friedman that we just had to share:

The book's genesis is conversation Friedman has with Nandan Nilekani, the CEO of Infosys. Nilekani causally mutters to Friedman: "Tom, the playing field is being leveled." To you and me, an innocent throwaway phrase--the level playing field being, after all, one of the most oft-repeated stock ideas in the history of human interaction. Not to Friedman. Ten minutes after his talk with Nilekani, he is pitching a tent in his company van on the road back from the Infosys campus in Bangalore:

As I left the Infosys campus that evening along the road back to Bangalore, I kept chewing on that phrase: "The playing field is being leveled."

What Nandan is saying, I thought, is that the playing field is being flattened... Flattened? Flattened? My God, he's telling me the world is flat!

This is like three pages into the book, and already the premise is totally fucked. Nilekani said level, not flat. The two concepts are completely different. Level is a qualitative idea that implies equality and competitive balance; flat is a physical, geographic concept that Friedman, remember, is openly contrasting--ironically, as it were--with Columbus's discovery that the world is round.

Except for one thing. The significance of Columbus's discovery was that on a round earth, humanity is more interconnected than on a flat one. On a round earth, the two most distant points are closer together than they are on a flat earth. But Friedman is going to spend the next 470 pages turning the "flat world" into a metaphor for global interconnectedness. Furthermore, he is specifically going to use the word round to describe the old, geographically isolated, unconnected world.

In a Friedman book, the reader naturally seizes up in dread the instant a suggestive word like "Windows" is introduced; you wince, knowing what's coming, the same way you do when Leslie Nielsen orders a Black Russian. And Friedman doesn't disappoint. His description of the early 90s:

The walls had fallen down and the Windows had opened, making the world much flatter than it had ever been--but the age of seamless global communication had not yet dawned.

How the fuck do you open a window in a fallen wall? More to the point, why would you open a window in a fallen wall? Or did the walls somehow fall in such a way that they left the windows floating in place to be opened?

Four hundred and 73 pages of this, folks. Is there no God?

click here to see a bunch of Taibbi articles.

Pork

2005-05-11T13:36:00.000-04:00

New post in littleboxes music. Check it out.

Ryan Adams & The Cardinals-Cold Roses: This album is OK. I really enjoyed "let it ride" (the first single) with its easy flow and relaxed vocals. This is my favorite kind of alt-country and the vibe reminds me of the Wilco song "Summer teeth." There must be a few other goods song on here, but too many of them just wander around with half-assed lyrics. [...]

If Only We Could Get God's Endorsement

2005-05-10T13:31:00.000-04:00

This post by Respectful of Otters got us thinking. As many of you know, getting us thinking is never a good idea, but we thought we'd run with it.

from Rivka (over at respectful):

Rev. Chandler apparently believes that God has directly endorsed the Republican ticket; astoundingly, he offered the defense that his actions were "not political."

What if God has actually endorsed the republican party? Of course, unfortunately he hasn't decided to make it public knowledge and has instead only informed a few good Christians, such as Rev. Chandler above. God has a nasty habit of not making things public. Sure would be a lot simpler if he would just spout off from on high and let us all know what he is thinking. We guess he likes to keep things complicated.

But suppose that God (you know, the white-dude with the white robe and the beard) had made his endorsement of George W. Bush public. It sure would settle a few questions and maybe create some even more interesting questions. We would certainly all know that God existed and that he was the God evisioned by the right-wing christians in the United States.

Would his endorsement deflate the ranks of Buddhism, Hinduism, and Islam?

Maybe more interestingly, how would Christian people and Jewish people in the U.S. react? Would they be compelled to support George W. Bush? Might they say, "God, I really appreciate your opinion and all, but I just don't like this Bush character?" Maybe this would be the ultimate test? Kinda like...

Oh God said to Abraham, "Kill me a son"
Abe says, "Man, you must be puttin' me on"
God say, "No." Abe say, "What?"
God say, "You can do what you want Abe, but
The next time you see me comin' you better run"
Well Abe says, "Where do you want this killin' done?"
God says, "Out on Highway 61."

If you were a Christian and then your God endorsed George W. Bush what would you do? Obviously it's an easy question if you already support the President. But what if George Bush really rubbed you the wrong way?

Moreover, what if you weren't even religious. Now after God spoke from above you might be re-evaluating many things. Athiests and all religious people would probably ask God the what we like to call the FIVE ESSENTIAL QUESTIONS:

Am I going to hell?
Am I going to hell if I voted for John Kerry?
Am I going to hell if I voted for a third party candidate (e.g. Buddha, Vishnu)?
Did Moses really look like Charleton Heston?
Is there really a planet of the apes and will Mark Wahlberg be able to save us?

Of course, one might not ask these essential questions in that order.

So, we'd like to use this space to ask God to please make his endorsements public next time. For we are dealing with humans and while Rev. Chandler is probably an honorable man, sometimes, even honorable men are mistaken.

Kenny Chesney responds to a question regarding how many times he engaged in sexual relations with Renee Zellweger during their first night as a couple:

Meanwhile...
Humanity Critic blogs about crazy shit that has come out of Pat Robertson's mouth. By the way, in an informal poll 90% of the littleboxes staff think Humanity Critic has one kick-ass blog. It is regularly entertaining and often insightful.

Here's some statements by Mr. Robertson that humanity critic points out:

"[Homosexuals] want to come into churches and disrupt church services and throw blood all around and try to give people AIDS and spit in the face of ministers."

"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians."

See the nappy diatribe link on the right hand side for humanity critic's blog.

What's Going On?

2005-05-02T14:13:00.000-04:00

What is going on this spring/summer?

Well, not much really in the grand history of the world. Will this be a year that is forgotten in the annals of history?

We vaguely remember some sort of formation of a government in Iraq. The Tsunami was memorable, but that was last year.

Maybe something memorable will happen this summer. By memorable we mean something etched into the pysche of at least 40% of all humanity. Is that always something horrible?

How about American history, anything memorable? What will children learn about in history classes 40 years from now? In 2005 this happened! As if events are all neatly self-contained into one year or even several years. What a horrible way to learn about the world.

Meanwhile, we had a staff outing on Friday night and a bunch of us say Dylan at the Beacon Theater in NYC. Holy Shit. What a great show. Bob.

He once said:

Democracy don't rule the world,
You'd better get that in your head.
This world is ruled by violence
But I guess that's better left unsaid.

Meanwhile during meanwhile...

Murder is the leading cause of work-related deaths among journalists and most of those killed on the job were not caught in cross-fire in conflict zones but hunted down and murdered, the Committee to Protect Journalists said on Monday. (LINK)

God is, indeed, everywhere.
He's in the ocean:

The day that Josh Long and Troy Driscoll were rescued after nearly a week adrift at sea dawned with a perfect sunrise, a rainbow and dolphins capering around their tiny sailboat.

"It was amazing. (Saturday) morning something felt different, a lot different," the 17-year-old Long said from his hospital bed on Monday. "I can honestly say I never gave up hope. God had us in his hands the whole time."

After surviving on their faith, raw jellyfish and seawater for almost a week, the two saw a fishing boat on the horizon late Saturday. They were rescued off the North Carolina coast, more than 100 miles from where they set out off South Carolina to fish.

"I asked God, 'If it's your will that we not live, take us home,'" said Driscoll, 15. "'If not, send us a boat.'"
--snip--
The boys huddled together at night and spent their days searching the horizon for help, praying and singing hymns.
--snip--
Driscoll's father, Tony, was first to get a call from the Coast Guard that the boys were all right.

"I screamed at the top of my lungs that they've got our boys," he recalled. "We never gave up hope. That's the bottom line. God had his angels around those boys the whole time."
(Link)
----------------------
he's in the Kansas schools:
Kansas is holding its own hearings on what school children should be taught about how life on Earth began.

The Kansas Board of Education has scheduled six days of courtroom-style hearings to begin on Thursday in the capitol Topeka. More than two dozen witnesses will give testimony and be subject to cross-examination, with the majority expected to argue against teaching evolution. (link)
---------------------------------
But Kansas won't allow him in liquor stores:
More than two years after a court ruling allowed local governments to defy the state's long-standing ban on Sunday liquor sales, lawmakers passed a bill Sunday to officially remove the prohibition from the books. (Link)

don't tell the reader, show the reader

2005-04-22T21:48:00.000-04:00

Some of the staff like Tom Waits's music. Others don't understand why anyone would ever listen to that type of music.

However, all of the staff appreciated Mr. Wait's ability to inform people exactly how pissed off he was by what he viewed as an unauthorized use of his music in a car commercial:

"Commercials are an unnatural use of my work," the 55-year-old singer said in a statement. "It's like having a cow's udder sewn to the side of my face. Painful and humiliating."

link to article

You Go Girl

2005-04-21T08:53:00.000-04:00

From that liberal, commie rag the New York Times*:

COLLETTE LEONARD would probably be the first to tell you that the premium denim thing is a little out of hand. She is aware of how loopy it is to lose one's senses in the quest for a neatly packaged posterior. She knows there is something fundamentally silly in indulging an obsession with foraging obsessively for the best, newest, most underground pair of five-pocket cotton trousers, of hoping to unearth the holy grail, jeans made by a label never yet photographed on Jennifer Aniston.

"It's just a pair of jeans, I realize that," said Ms. Leonard, who works for a liquor distributor in Manhattan. "But I wear two pairs every day, and I'd much rather go out and find something unique that you're not going to see on every girl in New York."

--snip--

"I don't balk at $500 for a pair of shoes," explained Ms. Leonard, who was shopping last month at Atrium, a boutique on Lower Broadway that is to premium denim what Barney Greengrass is to lox. "Why should I balk at that price for jeans that are special. "

It is absurd that this woman should have to defend herself for buying a pricey pair of jeans. After all, isn't that what we're fighting for in in Iraq.

We think if Mel Gibson were here he'd yell "Freedom!"

*we are not providing a link because you need a password for the NYT and then a week later you can't even access the shit without paying, so screw them and their liberal, commie pricing scheme. USA! USA!

Why didn't anyone tell us?

2005-04-19T09:22:00.000-04:00

Why didn't anyone tell us about this god damn kick-ass cruise? Hello, people? You know where to find us. Apparently we have no real friends.

Last Thanksgiving, more than 1,000 fans paid up to $3,199 to sail away with Styx, Journey and REO Speedwagon on a seven-day Caribbean cruise.

Milk Toast?

2005-04-18T19:30:00.000-04:00

A few of us here have at one time or another heard or uttered the derogatory phrase
"You milk toast, motherfucker!"

What is milk toast?

according to Mr. Breakfast.com

Milk Toast

(This recipe yields 2 servings)

• 4 slices of toast
• 4 pats of butter
• 1 tsp cinnamon and sugar
• 1/2 cup milk

Heat milk on low.

Butter toast as you usually would and sprinkle each piece with cinnamon and sugar. Tear the toast into bite-sized pieces and place in two cereal bowls.

Pour hot milk over toast pieces.

In the early 1900s, Milk Toast was popular fare for children and the ailing. It is still popular today among poor families and singles.

coming back for some more

2005-04-14T16:56:00.000-04:00

We've been at the bar all day but around 3pm one of us finally made it to the op-ed section of the New York Times. Now, it should be mentioned that not all of the staff read the New York Times, it's just that it comes with the Volvo, so those of us who drive around in those safe-havens of liberal whateverness seem to always have NYTimes handy.

Let's just say that what we saw on the op-ed page did not shock us. It did not awe us. It did not even appal us. But, it did it did give us gastrointestinal trouble.

Fucking David Brooks! Will he ever try to perhaps change up the style of his articles? Christ! (Much thought was put into whether to actually write "Christ" or not. Some of the practicing(?) Christians among us don't really like the expression, but, in the end, they agreed that the expression can convey a unique emotion.) How long can he go on with the "there are two sides to every issue" thing? He's like a musician who keeps using the same three cords in all of his songs but just changes the lyrics around while the structure is always the same.

We've written about this before.
But, his article today did make us finally leave the bar and get to work, so we guess Mr. Brooks is good for something.

Here's the kicker from Brooks's article today:

The Bolton controversy isn't about whether we believe in the U.N. mission. It's about which U.N. mission we believe in.

From the start, the U.N. has had two rival missions. Some people saw it as a place where sovereign nations could work together to solve problems. But other people saw it as the beginnings of a world government.

It doesn't even matter what he writes anymore, we just can't read it with any seriousness after our eyes pass over the obligatory dichotomy.

Funny "Ha Ha", not funny queer.

2005-04-08T13:25:00.000-04:00

God damn, we could spend all day reading stuff over at McSweeney's. Here's a bit of writing from those folks... (see the entire thing)

I am 21, approximately 6 feet tall, tip the scales at an even 180, and have a moderately athletic and muscular build.

Judging on these statistics and what I assume would be a natural ferocity that would spring forth in a moment of physical danger, I estimate that I could beat up seven 12-year-olds before they overtook me. Of course, these would have to be the aforementioned average-sized 12-year-olds. Future linebackers, NBA players, and all Scandinavian children would throw off this equation. On the flip side, if these were some wimpy, four-square-playing, future-jockey 12-year-olds, I imagine the number would skyrocket to anywhere between 12 and 15. It's simple exponential math.

This is also assuming that my opponents are smart enough to organize themselves into a circular attack instead of coming at me one by one. If it were an individual, king-of-the-mountain battle royale, I could endlessly pummel 12-year-olds without mercy. But we're assuming at least a sixth-grade education in a marginal public school as well as some exposure to kung-fu movies, so these kids would form a circle.

Finger in My Food

2005-04-08T11:16:00.000-04:00

Everyone remember the finger in the Wendy's Chili? Well, the woman who found the finger is being investigated. Seems that she may have planted the finger or something. What this become a rallying cry for conservatives.

Wendy's maintains the finger did not enter the food chain in its ingredients. All the employees at the San Jose store were found to have all their fingers, and no suppliers of Wendy's ingredients have reported any hand or finger injuries, the company said.

link

Could this be yet another example of a small corporation being taken advantage of by the ever-powerful, scheming, money-hungry, lawsuit people?
We should really limit the amount anyone can receive in a lawsuit to maybe, $100 or $200, tops. That will stop people from putting fingers in their food. First we have patients purposely leaving surgical instruments inside of their own bodies and now we have fingers in chili. It's a slippery slope folks. What's next, frogs in your underwear?

Musings by others

2005-04-07T17:06:00.000-04:00

"The thing about happiness is that it doesn't help you to grow; only unhappiness does that. So I'm grateful that my bed of roses was made up equally of blossoms and thorns. I've had a privileged, creative, exciting life, and I think that the parts that were less joyous were preparing me, testing me, strengthening me." -Lana Turner, Lana, The Lady, The Legend, The Truth

I'm tryin' to read your portrait, but,
I'm helpless, like a rich man's child.
-Bob Dylan, Temporary Like Achilles

That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
-Friedrich Nietzsche

Chronic pain is pain that goes on longer than six months. It does not respond to conventional medical treatment. In other words, chronic pain is pain that may not go away. What's more, chronic pain often has no concrete explanation and no tangible diagnosis. That does not mean that chronic pain is not real. It simply means that, using the information available today, modern medical specialists cannot define a "cause" for the pain. Chronic pain is pain that many people have to "learn to live with." -Our Chronic Pain Mission

Heavy

2005-03-30T11:27:00.000-05:00

In Back to the Future, Marty McFly (Michael J. Fox), who is from 1985, is always uttering the phrase "This is really heavy" or something like that. Doc Brown (Christopher Lloyd), the one from the 1950s, is puzzled by Marty's use of the word "heavy." He asks him "why, Marty, do you keep saying heavy? Is there a problem with excess gravitational pull in the future?" We think that is one of the funniest parts of that movie.

Isaac Newton is, of course, the recognized discoverer of gravity. Kind of like Columbus discovered the Americas. It was always there but someone (a white man in both cases, hmmm?) had to point it out to all the other white people (hmm?). For something to be discovered it had to be shown or demonstrated to white people. If the Chippewa had known this fact, we're sure they would have dashed off their discovery of America to the nearest academic journal of the time and Christopher Columbus would only be known as a movie director.

Someone over at McSweeney's uncovered Isaac Newton's diary and presented the entries he wrote in the week before he discovered gravity. Here's the link and below you will find exerpts.

Newton's diary entries:

Was walking through town today when an interesting thing happened: I tripped over a stone and fell down. Not up. Down. I contemplated this as I stood and dusted myself off. "Did you see that?" I said to the nearest witness, a homely wench by the alley. "I fell down." "Yes," she said, "and looked a fool doing it. Never have I seen a man fall so clumsily." I suppressed the urge to call the woman on her stupidity; I went 'round the corner where I tripped myself several times. And each time, I fell down. Query: Have I ever fallen up? Trying to jog my memory ...

The moon followed me last night to Mary's. That pestering moon, lighting my presence! Why does it continue to hang in the sky, like some unseen force is holding it? Does it have no purpose but to shine on those who do not wish to be seen? Luckily, I found the cover of some bushes as I peeked in Mary's window. I hoped to see her wearing nothing but her dressing gown, and perhaps to catch a glimpse of that pale, scrumptious neck. But lo: Looking in her window, I saw Mary in the clutches of another man, one more handsome than I. She was succumbing to his venomous advances like a soft, defenseless rabbit. Interesting finding here: It is possible to simultaneously feel insane jealousy and sport an erection. That relentless moon shone on the latter all the way home, where it was finally paid its attention.

Interesting cause-and-effect here: If called a "dirty whore," Mary automatically reacts with a slap to the caller's face. We were in town, discussing her loose ways, when I discovered this. I called her the name; she slapped, and hard. Sensing my discovery, I used the term again. She slapped again. "Dirty whore," I said again, as an experiment now, and she slapped me ever harder. "Dirty whore, dirty whore, dirty whore." Thrice she slapped in return. Then, perhaps some learned behavior interfered with the cause-effect: I merely uttered the first syllable of the action phrase and she slapped me three times, as if anticipating something that had not yet happened. Query: Can Mary see into the future? Will approach her tomorrow for another experiment. For now, I'm going to rest under my favorite apple tree, dreaming I am but an apple in a basket over which Mary will soon lean.

What the World Needs Now

2005-03-25T12:39:00.000-05:00

Littleboxes Music has a new post, courtesy of our music reporter, The PANDA. Yes, he insists on having his name in all caps. It's the price one has to pay for hiring a no-talent hack.

Check it out. (link is to the left)

and is also right here if you are lazy.

Note that we've also added a little "my yahoo!" link on the right-hand sidebar towards the bottom. You can click on it and have our new posts show up on your My Yahoo! page. Very cool.

LINK to Littleboxes Music

Why liberals don't win elections

2005-03-24T11:56:00.000-05:00

Gore Vidal breaks it down:

There is no people's party, and you can't even use the word. "Liberal" has been demonized. A liberal is a commie who's also a pedophile. Being a communist and a pedophile, he's so busy that he hasn't got time to win an election and is odious to boot. So there is no Democratic Party.

link

He also says, with some doom and gloom:

Well, let us say that the old American republic is well and truly dead. The institutions that we thought were eternal proved not to be. And that goes for the three departments of government, and it also goes for the Bill of Rights. So we're in uncharted territory.

Let My Cameron go

2005-03-21T20:19:00.000-05:00

Respectful of Otters has been back in force for awhile now. Yes!

But, on a more serious note, 90% of the staff (in a formal poll) loved her post about the Schiavo case. The other 10% of the staff classify their dream job as "working for or with Tom Delay." This once again offers up proof that littleboxes is an equal opportunity employer.

link to respectul's post.

Here's a bit of the post:

What is at issue in the Terri Schiavo case is not whether it is legitimate to kill her or actively promote her death (for example, by an overdose of morphine), but whether it is legitimate to refuse medical treatment intended to prolong her life. (Make no mistake about it: nutrition and hydration are medical treatment, when they're supplied through a stomach tube.) While the distinction between active promotion of death and witholding lifesaving medical treatment may seem like hair-splitting, in fact they are critically different.

Two Things

2005-03-21T17:56:00.000-05:00

1. In an informal poll, 50% of littleboxes staff members think that social security reform could be a giant distraction. Kind of like, try to steal the most expensive piece art and while everyone is freaking out trying to protect that piece of art you steal other less valuable pieces of art. If you still get the most expensive piece, great! But if you don't, you've still created to opporunity to loot other nice pieces from the museum. Anyway...we watch the Dems really around social security fairly effectively and yet they let artic oil drilling and the bankrupcy law pass. The 50% that disagree with this hypothesis think the Dems do not give a flying FU#$ about bankrupcy or oil drilling and that no distraction has taken place. Hmmm...

2. Media is spinning a suprisingly large attack by insurgents as a sign of success against the insurgency. Strange, but to be expected. We suppose it's possible that staging a large attack signals desperation but it could also signal an increased ability to stage large scale attacks, which is probably not good. Or, and possibly most likely, it could signal absolutely nothing.

The high number of deaths in Sunday's daylight battle south of Baghdad was attributed to the large number of attackers, unusual in a country where most clashes are carried out by small bands of gunmen or suicide bombers.

"I was surprised at the numbers," said Staff Sgt. Timothy Nein, a squad leader for the 617th Military Police Company of Richmond, Ky., and a native of Henryville, Ind., involved in the firefight. "Usually we can usually expect seven to 10."

As the U.S. military reported that and other successes against the insurgency, attackers struck several times Monday, killing seven civilians and three Iraqi soldiers. A roadside bomb in Aziziyah, 35 miles southeast of Baghdad, killed four women and three children, police said.

Take My Glasses

2005-03-17T01:42:00.000-05:00

Here, use my glasses so you can read my porn.

Folks, this is definitely our favorite moment of the Michael Jackson trial. As jurors learn that Michael Jackson has (gasp!) some legal, heterosexual porno mags, Jackson actually lends his reading glasses to a police officer so he can find out that a particular DVD could not have been shown to the child in question because it was not released until months after it was allegedly shown. Snap!

On cross-examination by Jackson defense attorney Robert Sanger, each of the police witnesses agreed the material was legal to possess and that the singer's young accuser had not remembered seeing any particular magazine or DVD.

In fact, the officers conceded, some of the magazines and DVDs were not published or released until after the young boy and his family left Jackson's Neverland Valley Ranch for the last time in March 2003.

In one instance, Santa Barbara County Sheriff's Detective Victor Alvarez was unable to confirm the release date of a DVD in late March 2003 because the print on the label was too small -- until Jackson lent him his reading glasses from his seat at the defense table.

Breaking News

2005-03-16T17:27:00.000-05:00

Sports Illustrated just announced that they will produce an annual "Baboon Swimsuit Issue" starting next year. Here's a sample photo.

Scented Balls

2005-03-14T12:23:00.000-05:00

Todd bowled over 100 this weekend with the help of a scented bowling ball. Unfortunately, for Todd, the citrus scent did not affect the olfactory scenses of his opponents so much as to render his 100 score even second lowest in his group. Todd sucks.
-----

Odors associated with bowling traditionally include smelly feet, cigarette smoke and beer. But what about grape, amaretto and cherry? One bowling ball manufacturer — Storm Products Inc. — is putting fruit and other popular scents into its mid- to high-end bowling balls, resulting in a steady increase in sales.

More than half the bowlers on the Professional Bowlers Association tour last year used them, including four-time PBA champion Ryan Shafer.

Shafer, who has a contract with Storm, said he may have won a match two years ago in Kansas City because an opponent was distracted by his black licorice-scented ball.

"He asked me if I had to use that ball and I said, 'Yes, this ball is working' ... and I think that is why I won," he said.

(link to article)
--------------

description:

features: On the outside of the Trauma is the finest reactive material available today, ACCU-Treadô. ACCU-Tread cuts through oil for constant reliability shot after shot producing the strongest move through the pins of any ball available today. Completely new from the 3-color ACCU-Treadô coverstock to our latest state-of-the-art innovation of this new enhanced core-weight block system, Traumaô is a perfectly matched product throughout.

color: Sky/Amethyst/Pewter Pearl

scent: Cinnamon

narcissistic bo-listic

2005-03-07T23:37:00.000-05:00

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is distinguished by

a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy..., indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. An exagerated sense of self importance...
2. Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. Believes the he or she is "special" and can only be understood by, or associate with, other special or high-status people...
4. Requires excessive admiration
5. Has a sense of entitlement
6. Selfishly takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
7. Lacks empathy
8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
9. Shows arrogant, haughty, patronizing, or contemptuous behavior or attitudes

...it has been estimated that 1 percent of the American population is afflicted with NPD. Indeed, to a noteworthy degree, narcissists fuel the cultural, spiritual, and economic engines of Western society. Narcissism is especially common among accomplished businessmen, attorneys, physicians, and academics. Such people have a vast sense of self-importance and believe they're smarter and better than anybody else. They're willing to work incredible hours to provide confirmation to support their grandiose ideas.
[Alternately stolen and paraphrased from "Under the Banner of Heaven" by Jon Krakauer)

Tune in next week for more "Ways to succeed in business or possibly get tenure!"

A Pathetic Piece of Logic

2005-03-04T12:31:00.000-05:00

Given the effects of this medication and the sheer amount of recommended hours in therapy we have considered making this place more of a weekly "we post on monday, only monday" kind of thing.

However, sometimes the medicated fog clears for breif moments. And in these moments, we move from continually licking our arms clean to doing something more constructive, like watching television or readings articles on the internet. These moments are fleeting and provide us, sometimes once a week, other times twice a week, with what we'll call a "good feeling." We're feeling pretty good right now, but not too good, Doc. The barbituates are still safely locked in the Dennis's shoe box, underneath his bed, behind the gray blanket, next to the old socks.

We recently came across this article and thought we'd share some of our favorite quotes with you, our sober readers.

The article concerns how animals (non-humans) feel about, you know, things.

Cows are also capable of feeling strong emotions such as pain, fear and even anxiety — they worry about the future. But if farmers provide the right conditions, they can also feel great happiness.

Webster and his colleagues have documented how cows within a herd form smaller friendship groups of between two and four animals with whom they spend most of their time, often grooming and licking each other. They will also dislike other cows and can bear grudges for months or years.

Dairy cow herds can also be intensely sexual. Webster describes how the cows become excited when one of the herd comes into heat and start trying to mount her. “Cows look calm, but really they are gay nymphomaniacs,” he said.

Donald Broom, professor of animal welfare at Cambridge University, who is presenting other research at the conference, will describe how cows can also become excited by solving intellectual challenges.

In one study, researchers challenged the animals with a task where they had to find how to open a door to get some food. An electroencephalograph was used to measure their brainwaves.

“Their brainwaves showed their excitement; their heartbeat went up and some even jumped into the air. We called it their Eureka moment,” said Broom.

“Sentient animals have the capacity to experience pleasure and are motivated to seek it,” said Webster. “You only have to watch how cows and lambs both seek and enjoy pleasure when they lie with their heads raised to the sun on a perfect English summer’s day. Just like humans.”

Lovely Linda with flowers in her hair

2005-02-28T13:42:00.000-05:00

Here's an interview with long-time pizza delivery persons in minneapolis from City Pages. Here are a few excerpts.

On tipping:

I know a driver who got 85 bucks from Karl Malone. Proof that an asshole can be generous.

A decent tip is three dollars. If someone orders something that costs eight bucks, maybe two. But three bucks as a general rule. And if it's a big order, or it's cold outside, you have to treat me right. A four-dollar tip makes me feel good. A five-dollar tip says you really care.

On Drugs:

I'd say 30 to 40 percent of our customer base is high. Cooks, maybe 60 percent. Personally, I've just had three times where I went to work high. Once, when I was delivering to an address in deep south Minneapolis, I was just cruising along and listening to a tape before I realized that I was on 35W headed toward Bloomington.

I've been tipped in pot. One time I delivered to this girl on Hennepin Avenue, and she said, "Wanna come upstairs and smoke some pot and do some whip-its?" So I said okay, and hung out with her for about half an hour. But I get dyslexic when I smoke pot, so it's not very good for me. My math skills get poor.

For me, it's just a waste of a fucking buzz. It makes the shift go on too long. You've got to sit and listen to the people at work, asking all these weird questions. Being high around that sort of stuff is just too much for me. But if I worked at Domino's, I'd have to get fucking high just to put the outfit on.

On Sex:

It was the last run of the night, to this kind of low-rent apartment complex in the suburbs. I knock, and this chick in her early 30s opens this door. She was kind of good-looking but kind of trashy. And she was totally naked. She goes through this little bead wall, and says, "Come in for a second. I've got to get the money." So I walked through the bead wall, and she's sitting on the couch, and says, "Want a drink?" By then it's clear what's going on. She made me some kind of drink, and we smoked some pot. She's totally naked and I'm in my little pizza shirt, and she says, exact words, "Do you have time for a quickie?" I told her, "I've got to go back to close the shop but I could come back."

She says sure, so I went to the store, shut down, and came back. So I'm fucking her and then all of a sudden she says really loudly, "Hey, come on out." And this fat dude comes stumbling through the bead door, stark naked, stroking his hard-on. I got the hell out of there. Then I went home and took a long shower.

Mr. Brown: There is always someone waiting in the wings. The perverted puppeteer. It is an icky, icky world.

It got into my pants

2005-02-28T13:09:00.000-05:00

Words from the wise?

Dearly beloved
We are gathered here today
2 get through this thing called life

Electric word life
It means forever and that's a mighty long time
But I'm here 2 tell u
There's something else
The afterworld

A world of never ending happiness
U can always see the sun, day or night

So when u call up that shrink in Beverly Hills
U know the one - Dr Everything'll Be Alright
Instead of asking him how much of your time is left
Ask him how much of your mind, baby

'Cuz in this life
Things are much harder than in the afterworld
In this life
You're on your own

And if de-elevator tries 2 bring u down
Go crazy

Apparently, this is what a serial killer looks like. Apparently they can also be the president of a local church's congregation.

Just a week ago, Dennis Rader, president of the 400-member congregation, had been a welcome and familiar face in their midst. He had recently dropped off spaghetti sauce and a salad for a church dinner, the pastor said.

Lost Ones

2005-02-21T20:06:00.000-05:00

Now, now how come your talk run cold
Gained the whole world for the price of your soul
Tryin' to grab hold of what you can't control
Now you're all floss, what a sight to behold
Wisdom is better than silver and gold
I was hopeless I'm on Hope Road
Every man want to act like he's exempt
When him need to get down on his knees and repent
Can't slick talk on the day of judgement
Your movement's similar to a serpent
Tried to play straight, how your whole style bent?
Consequence is no coincidence
Hypocrites always want to make it seem like good intent
Never want to face it when it's time for punishment
I know that you don't wanna hear my opinion
But there come many paths and you must choose one
And if you don't change then the rain soon come
See you might win some but you just lost one

You might win some but you just lost one

You might win some but you really lost one
You just lost one, it's so silly how come
When it's all done did you realls gain from
What you done done, it's so silly how come
You just lost one

Now don't you understand man universal law
What you throw out comes back to you, star
Neverunderestimate those who you scar
Cause karma, karma, karma comes back to you hard
You can't hold God's people back for long
The chain of Shatan wasn't made that strong
Trying to pretend like you r word is your bond
But until you do right, all you do is go wrong
Now some might mistake this for just a simple song
And some don't know what they have 'til it's gone
Now even when you're gone you can still be reborn
And, from the night can arrive the sweet dawn
Now, some might listen and some might shun
And some may think that they've reached perfection
If you look closely you'll see what you've become
Cause you might win some but you just lost one

lauryn hill

No Missile Left Behind

2005-02-14T14:50:00.000-05:00

With failure rates at pretty much 100% it seems that we need to introduce some more accountability and competition into the development of the national missile defense system. How can we stand idly by and let our missile defense system fail?

A test of the national missile defense system failed Monday when an interceptor missile did not launch from its island base in the Pacific Ocean, the military said. It was the second failure in months for the experimental program.
--snip--
The previous test, on Dec. 15, failed under almost identical circumstances. The target missile launched, but the interceptor did not.
--snip--
Before the Dec. 15 launch, it had been two years since a test. The program had gone five-for-eight in previous attempts to intercept a target.

No date for the next test has been announced. It is unclear how continued test failures would affect two experimental interceptor bases in Alaska and California.
(see article)

For example, maybe if Russia or China was also trying to shoot down our mock missles, the interceptor would be more likely to launch or actually hit its target? Or maybe when tests like these fails, we could just fail to pay the enormous fees we pay to the private contractors who develop these systems? We're talking about national security here, not some third grader who can't read. We say, leave the third grader behind and bring some accountability into the missile defense system. Can we really afford to delay when the sign of failure may be a mushroom cloud?

If schools fails do we not take away their money and close them? When children fail do we not scold them and re-test them? If a child can read 5 of 8 words do we pass them?

NOTE: QUOTES ARE ITALICIZED.

Arthur Miller

2005-02-13T23:26:00.000-05:00

There was a nice op-ed in the New York Times by David Mamet about the American playright Arthur Miller. We here at littleboxes are huge fans of Arthur Miller.
Here's an bit of the article...

Bad drama reinforces our prejudices. It informs us of what we knew when we came into the theater - the infirm have rights, homosexuals are people, too, it's difficult to die. It appeals to our sense of self-worth, and, as such, is but old-fashioned melodrama come again in modern clothes (the villain here not black-mustachioed, but opposed to women, gays, racial harmony, etc.).

The good drama survives because it appeals not to the fashion of the moment, but to the problems both universal and eternal, as they are insoluble.

To find beauty in the sad, hope in the midst of loss, and dignity in failure is great poetic art.

Arthur Miller's wonder at his country and his time will redound to America's credit when the supposed accomplishments of the enthusiastic are long forgotten. His work and the example of a life lived with quiet dignity are each an inspiration. I spoke at his 80th birthday celebration, my speech a prayer from Kipling that I will, again, offer here:

One service more we dare to ask -
Pray for us, heroes, pray,
That when Fate lays on us our task
We do not shame the day.

(see article)

Hey Baby, wanna see a gas mask?

2005-02-08T23:19:00.000-05:00

Stop the Press!! Who is that? Vicki Vale.
Crazy stuff is happening in Fargo, ND...land of the broad-shouldered people.

(see entire story)[registration req'd]

A Secret Service agent was sent home after getting drunk at a bar the night before President Bush appeared in Fargo on Thursday, police said Monday.

Authorities were initially called to the Fargo Holiday Inn at Interstate 29 and 13th Avenue South after a gas mask was left behind at the bar.

About the time officers arrived, someone set off two fire alarms at the hotel, Fargo Lt. Tod Dahle said. Police suspect the agent set the alarm off.

"It was some very odd behavior," Dahle said.

-snip--

The gas mask apparently fell out of a duffel bag the agent had accidentally left at the bar, Dahle said.

"Security was obviously concerned that someone had a gas mask ... with the president coming the next day," he said.

A hotel guest believed that someone matching the agent's description was setting off the fire alarms, Dahle said.

--snip--
The incident happened Wednesday, the day before Bush spoke in front of 8,000 people at North Dakota State University's Bison Sports Arena.

Late Night kuleness

2005-02-07T01:12:00.000-05:00

So, has everyone heard about this whole Ward Churchill thing? Well, if not, there are some good summary articles out there. The best one we have seen was in the Washington Post and you can read it if you click here. [registration req'd). For an inferior summary article, with no registration required, see this link.

For the lazy or non-click-friendly readers: Ward Churchill is a professor at the University of Colorado [current home of the college football rape scandal]. He wrote an essay back in 2001 that, without mincing words, said that the bankers and stock brokers in the World Trade Center are complicit in horrible acts committed by the United States and thus, they could possibly have deserved to die. He compared them and the system they support to Nazism. All in all, he's on the controversial end of the spectrum. The University of Colorado may fire him and the Governor of Colorado has called his speech treasonous. [Again he wrote the speech in 2001, but it is only getting attention now.]

Here's what Ward looks like:

We here at littleboxes support free speech. However, we don't support it without question. For example, we don't think that putting a burning cross on someone's lawn is protected under the law. Yet, we feel that Mr. Churchill should be allowed to keep his job and that what he said qualifies under free speech. Although, it should be mentioned that there are members of the staff who do think what he said is horrible and some also believe that he should lose his job.

In any event, one thing that we can all agree on, is that this bit from the Washington Post article is some funny shit!!

Accordingly, board members were clearly eager to act when they gathered Thursday to consider the Ward Churchill affair. Once again, though, the trustees lost control. Having issued an agenda for a "public meeting," the regents informed the packed auditorium that no students would be allowed to speak on the issue of free speech. This prompted a raucous outcry.

Some of what Churchill wrote [in quotes]:
the trade center victims in New York were ignorant of the evil they did every day "because they were too busy braying, incessantly and self-importantly, into their cell phones, arranging power lunches and stock transactions, each of which translated, conveniently out of sight, mind and smelling distance, into the starved and rotting flesh of infants. If there was a better, more effective, or in fact any other way of visiting some penalty befitting their participation upon the little Eichmanns inhabiting the sterile sanctuary of the twin towers, I'd really be interested in hearing about it."

And...the president of the University, Elizabeth Hoffman had some thoughts,

Afterward, a shaken Hoffman said the Churchill affair reminds her of a dark memory at the University of Colorado -- the treatment of former philosophy professor Morris Judd. At the height of the McCarthy era, in 1951, Judd was investigated and fired after anonymous students charged that his view of the Korean War sounded "communistic." More than 50 years later, the university held a lavish ceremony to apologize to Judd and create a scholarship in his name. "I hope we don't do anything now," the school president said Thursday, "that would cause future generations to have to apologize."

Hoffman is famous for this little pearl of wisdom in another U of C investigation, as described by the Washington Post:
A lawsuit by two undergraduates who say they were gang-raped by Barnett's football players and recruits is pending. After a student athlete was accused of referring to a female student by a four-letter slang term referring to part of the female anatomy, President Hoffman declared that this "c-word" can sometimes be a "term of endearment." Students and faculty denounced the president for "hate speech." The regents again took no action.

That budget is tight!

2005-02-06T13:56:00.000-05:00

The staff have received some feedback. We've heard that some of our readers are having some trouble distinguishing our writing from the inane shit we often quote. Although this saddens us, we will now make at attempt to better delineate between the text we compose and the stuff we quote. We're going to try italics for our quotes and normal for our stuff.

OK, so back to the title of our post:
Vice President Dick Cheney said Sunday the budget going to Congress this week was not prepared with a "meat ax," but that the administration found roughly 150 federal programs it believed can be cut or eliminated.

"We are being tight," Cheney said. "This is the tightest budget that has been submitted since we got here."
--snip--
The budget seeks savings from about 150 programs, including Amtrak, environmental protection, American Indian schools, farmers' subsidies and Medicaid, the federal-state health program for the poor and disabled.
--snip--
"It's not something we've done with a meat ax, nor are we suddenly turning our back on the most needy people in our society," Cheney told "Fox News Sunday."

---------
Well, we were a bit worried about the budget cuts, but now that the Vice President has assured us he did not use "a meat axe" and that they are not turning their backs on "the most needy people in our societ" we are all for it. If we can't trust the Vice President, who can we trust?

If American Indians are not among the neediest in our society, who exactly qualifies?
Amtrak? Budget cuts? People need to decide whether or not they want a train system. If they do, we need to make it a good system. If they don't want one, then just stop spending money on it. An informal littleboxes staff poll put support for dramtically increasing the funding of Amtrak at 67%.

-------
P.S.: We get few comments here from people who aren't staff members. We got a few the other day. This made 90% of us happy, although Susan thinks we are dangerously close to selling out. We added a link to one of our comment makers.
Here's a nice post about Rasheed Wallace's love for our Prez. We should note that economisttobe also took note of Rasheed's strong feelings.

Lost Time Is Not Found Again

2005-02-04T14:05:00.000-05:00

Lost Time: Watching Bush talk about social security. Despite being continually "shocked and awed" by the utterly disturbing parallels between Bush's speech and Newspeak (1984), was it really worth it to watch that speech? And, although it seems far-fetched, we would still not be surprised if those bastards privatize social security before it is all over. We're shocked they haven't changed the name of social security to something more Orwellian. For example, they could call it:
Restricted Benefits
Capped Payments
Minimum Security
Social Welfare

Lost Time: Bitchin' about no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. If you don't know already, we never cared about weapons in Iraq. The U.s. went to Iraq to spread freedom and democracy. What weapons? It is as if it never happened. The media never discuss weapons when they report on Iraq. So all the protesting is not even relevant. It's been wiped from history.

The Missionary Position

2005-02-02T13:00:00.000-05:00

Apparently, it's awesome!
Check out this news from our Tsunami relief department:

From India surfaced a story about Samanthapettai, a fishing village in Tamil Nadu hit by the tsunami, where some Christian missionaries reportedly refused to distribute biscuits and water unless the Hindu recipients agreed to change their faith. When TV reporters approached the nuns, they refused to comment and left.

-------------------
My God, what is their motivation?

Local missionaries in India and other non-Christian countries are funded to a large extent by resource-rich American groups – powerful multi-million dollar corporations complete with TV channels and private planes. The websites, updated with fervent appeals for funds and tearful photos of tsunami survivors, are a window to their incredible organisation and explicit agendas for touching the "unreached people" or non-Christians with the hand of God. They look at India and Indonesia as "opportunities" for spreading the gospel. India is often described as a land of darkness, of idol worshippers and an area ripe for redemption.
--------------------------------
A few members of the littleboxes staff have done missionary work. A few of our members have even done missionary work on native american (Indian) reservations in the United States. It turns out that the most effective (in terms of conversions and not pissing people off, which are highly correlated) missionaries on reservations are young asian-americans. Our staff members comment that the people on the reservation don't trust white people so the churches (often chinese churches) send people (like them) instead.

A few other of our staff members hate missionary work (with a Passion...a Passion of the Christ...well, they are not sure).

Ah, this is leading to a rather heated discussion amongst our staff, the narrator is being called less than impartial. God damn it! We gotta sign off here...

(here's the link)

Let It Roll (Ballad of Sir Frankie Crisp)

2005-02-02T12:17:00.000-05:00

[Listen]

Let it roll across the floor
Through the hall and out the door
To the fountain of perpetual mirth
Let it roll for all it’s worth

Find me where ye echo lays
Lose ye bodies in the maze
See the lord and all the mouths he feeds
Let it roll among the weeds
Let it roll

Let it roll down through the caves
Ye long walks of coole and shades
Through ye woode, here may ye rest awhile
Handkerchiefs to match your tie
Let it roll

Let it roll, let it roll
Let it roll, let it roll

Fools illusions everywhere
Joan and molly sweep the stairs
Eyes that shining full of inner light
Let it roll into the night

Let it roll, let it roll
Let it roll, let it roll
Let it roll, let it roll

-G. Harrison

Electro-Spanking of War Babies

2005-02-01T19:35:00.000-05:00

NYT has an article about the Gonzales confirmation. They describe the argument over whether Gonzalez helped facilitate the torture of innocents and prisoners of war. It serves as an excellent example of the "he said-she said" journalism. It reminds us of a bad high school policy debate.
---------------------------------------
Democrats said that as White House counsel, Mr. Gonzales had helped devise policies that narrowed the definition of "torture" and led to the abuse of prisoners in Iraq and at the United States naval base at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba, tarnishing America's image abroad and making the country less secure.

But the Judiciary Committee chairman, Senator Arlen Specter, Republican of Pennsylvania, said today that Mr. Gonzales had built "an extraordinary record," professionally and personally, and despite his critics' insinuations to the contrary, Mr. Gonzales has explicitly opposed torture.
-----------------------------

and...they leave us with that. The article doesn't even make it clear as to whether or not Gonzales ever wrote a memo. Did he write any memos? Who knows. Maybe the democrats are just making this up.

Also...Specter's argument that Gonzales has an "extraordinary record" does not deny the existence of any memos and whether or not they condoned torture.

Did these memos condone torture? Can that only be determined from opinion or can it be factually verified.

God damn it. The New York Times says "no comment."

Apple Sucking Tree

2005-02-01T13:20:00.000-05:00

Interesting stuff on the future of life in this universe:

As the universe expands, its energy content is diluted and temperatures eventually plunge to near absolute zero, where even atoms stop moving. One of the iron laws of physics is the second law of thermodynamics, which states that in the end everything runs down, that the total "entropy" (disorder or chaos) in the universe always increases. This means that iron rusts, our bodies age and crumble, empires fall, stars exhaust their nuclear fuel, and the universe itself will run down, as temperatures drop uniformly to near zero.

Charles Darwin was referring to this law when he wrote: "Believing as I do that man in the distant future will be a far more perfect creature than he now is, it is an intolerable thought that he and all other sentient beings are doomed to complete annihilation after such long-continued slow progress." And one of the most depressing passages in the English language was written by Bertrand Russell, who described the "unyielding despair" he felt when contemplating the distant future: "No fire, no heroism, no intensity of thought or feeling, can preserve a life beyond the grave… all the labours of the ages, all the devotion, all the inspiration, all the noonday brightness of human genius, are destined to extinction in the vast death of the solar system; and the whole temple of man's achievement must inevitably be buried beneath the debris of a universe in ruins."

Russell wrote this passage in an era before space travel, so the death of the sun does not seem so catastrophic today—but the death of the entire universe seems inescapable. So on some day in the far future, the last star will cease to shine, and the universe will be littered with nuclear debris, dead neutron stars and black holes. Intelligent civilisations, like homeless people in rags huddled next to dying campfires, will gather around the last flickering embers of black holes emitting a faint Hawking radiation.

(link)

Well, I've already had two beers
I'm ready for the broom
Please, Missus Henry, won't you
Take me to my room?
I'm a good ol' boy
But I've been sniffin' too many eggs
Talkin' to too many people
Drinkin' too many kegs
Please, Missus Henry, Missus Henry, please!
Please, Missus Henry, Missus Henry, please!
I'm down on my knees
An' I ain't got a dime

Orange Juice Blues (Blues for Breakfast)

2005-02-01T13:10:00.000-05:00

(richard manuel)
I had a hard time waking this morning
I got a lotta things on my mind
Like those friends of yours
They keep bringing me down
Just hangin' round all the time

I've had a hard time waking most mornings
And it's been that way for a month or more
You've had things your way
But now I've got to say
I'm on my way out the door

Chorus:
Why don't you get right, try to get right, baby
You haven't been right with me, why don't you get right?
Try and get right, baby, don't you remember how it used to be?

You had a hard time waking this morning
And I can see it in your empty eyes
But there's no need for talking
Or walking round the block
Just to figure out the reason why

I have a hard time handing out warnings
I'll just slide on out the door
Cuz I'm tired of everything
Being beautiful, beautiful
And I ain't coming back no more
--------------------------------------------
That's a song from the Basement Tapes (Bob Dylan and The Band)

----------------------------------------
Million Dollar Bash -(dylan)
Well, that big dumb blonde
With her wheel in the gorge
And Turtle, that friend of theirs
With his checks all forged
And his cheeks in a chunk
With his cheese in the cash
They're all gonna be there
At that million dollar bash
Ooh, baby, ooh-ee
Ooh, baby, ooh-ee
It's that million dollar bash

Ev'rybody from right now
To over there and back
The louder they come
The harder they crack
Come now, sweet cream
Don't forget to flash
We're all gonna meet
At that million dollar bash
Ooh, baby, ooh-ee
Ooh, baby, ooh-ee
It's that million dollar bash

Well, I took my counselor
Out to the barn
Silly Nelly was there
She told him a yarn
Then along came Jones
Emptied the trash
Ev'rybody went down
To that million dollar bash
Ooh, baby, ooh-ee
Ooh, baby, ooh-ee
It's that million dollar bash

Well, I'm hittin' it too hard
My stones won't take
I get up in the mornin'
But it's too early to wake
First it's hello, goodbye
Then push and then crash
But we're all gonna make it
At that million dollar bash
Ooh, baby, ooh-ee
Ooh, baby, ooh-ee
It's that million dollar bash

Well, I looked at my watch
I looked at my wrist
Punched myself in the face
With my fist
I took my potatoes
Down to be mashed
Then I made it over
To that million dollar bash
Ooh, baby, ooh-ee
Ooh, baby, ooh-ee
It's that million dollar bash

And folks, as usual, attach no meaning to anything we post. Although, today we are all particulary struck by the words:
"Cuz I'm tired of everything
Being beautiful, beautiful"

and

" Well, I looked at my watch
I looked at my wrist
Punched myself in the face
With my fist"

Maybe it's because it's beginning to read like Newspeak out there and hey, what does it all mean?

Same Old Song and Dance

2005-01-28T14:43:00.000-05:00

So, in the news today, a headline was: US Will Pull Out if New Iraqi Leaders Request It

Asked by the daily in its 40-minute interview, carried out on Thursday, if the US troops should be withdrawn if the new Iraqi administration requested it, Bush said: "Yes, absolutely. And this is a sovereign government -- they're on their feet."

-----------

Sure, President Bush swears he'll pull out if asked. But, the ladies here at littleboxes have heard that one before. Remember, the safest thing is to not let Mr. Bush invade your terrority, but if you can't avoid that, at least use some protection.

Show me "sand the floor"

2005-01-26T16:23:00.000-05:00

Best quote from George W. Bush about Iraq:

"I firmly planted the flag of liberty," he said.

Ok, George, you didn't firmly plant shit. If anything was indeed planted, it was planted by american soldiers and many others who have sacrificed their lives for your ideas about freedom or whatever. If anything was indeed planted, it's a bit of stretch to say it has been planted firmly. Good lord.

Bush calls on Iraqis to vote:
Clearly, there are some who are intimidated. I urge people to vote. I urge people to defy these terrorists."

Would G.W. really vote if he might get blown up? This is the man who flew around the nation like scared little child on Sept 11th when his counterpart, Rudy G. was walking around New York City like a competent and strong leader. (Despite this, the staff at littleboxes really dont' care for Rudy.)

"Pull the string!"

Meanwhile, if social security were a toilet:

Mr. President!

2005-01-19T15:11:00.000-05:00

Yo, 43, you've got to inhale. Hold it in your lungs not your cheeks. We thought you were the anti-Clinton, but here you are, not inhaling.

Meanwhile, Condi gets confirmed with Kerry and Boxer the only "no" votes.

Oh Condi Condi beggin’ on my knees
Open up your heart and let me in wontcha please
Got no money but everybody knows
I love you Condi and I’ll never let you go
Sweet and dandy pretty as can be
You be the flower and I’ll be the bumble bee
Oh she loves me oops she loves me not
People say you’re cold but I think you’re hot

Oh, Condi, Condi
Oh, Condi, Condi

Oh Condi, Condi I’m talkin’ to you girl
What’s it gonna hurt come on give me a whirl
Shake your body now let me see you go
One time for me Oh Condi I love you so
Skank for me Condi show me what you got
They say you’re too uptight I say you’re not
Dance around me spinnin’ like a top
Oh Condi Condi Condi don’t ever stop

Oh Condi Condi Can’t you hear me call
I’m standin’ in the street outside your garden wall
Pocketful of money belly full of wine
Condi in my heart and romance on my mind
Listen to me Condi don’t be afraid
I come here tonight to chase your blues away
I’ll never hurt you I’ll treat you right
Oh Condaleeza won’t you come out tonight

Pretty little Condi precious as can be
Bet you never had another lover like me
(Steve Earle)

Squirrely you can't be serious?

2005-01-18T13:29:00.000-05:00

David Brooks is at it again! Today he frames his article around the existence of two distinct groups. How can being a op-ed writer for the New York Times be so easy?
Apparently, unbeknownst to everyone but Mr. Brooks, the democratic party is divided into two groups, those that are inspired by Bill Clinton and those inspired by Newt Gingrich. If only they had known it was this simple they could have just locked those two in a room and the Dems could have reached a concensus. That is a pretty conservative democratic party!

Seriously, what is with David Brooks? Why, oh, why does he keep us awake at night with his incessant dichotomization (is that word?) of our lives?

Does anyone actually enjoy reading his articles?
Do people go about repeating such informative and incisive lines as "The Democratic Gingrichians are different." Or perhaps people fall more for lines such as "The problem with the neo-Gingrichians is that they have their history backward."

What does all of this mean?
"The truth is that Democrats probably need a leader who will make liberals feel uncomfortable, the way Clinton did, not someone who will make them feel righteous and good." Not so for the Republicans, Dave points out. We're glad we've had that clarified for us.

However, we don't really want anyone to feel righteous and good. Righteous and good about what? The Iraq war? Hating gay people? OK, not having to pay estate taxes?

NEW UPDATES TO LITTLEBOXES'S MUSIC AND LITTLEBOXES'S MOVIES

Meanwhile, people are still getting nailed in the nuts.

and...at the request of those staff members who are aroused by certain "members" of the male gender..