Heavy

In Back to the Future, Marty McFly (Michael J. Fox), who is from 1985, is always uttering the phrase "This is really heavy" or something like that. Doc Brown (Christopher Lloyd), the one from the 1950s, is puzzled by Marty's use of the word "heavy." He asks him "why, Marty, do you keep saying heavy? Is there a problem with excess gravitational pull in the future?" We think that is one of the funniest parts of that movie.



Isaac Newton is, of course, the recognized discoverer of gravity. Kind of like Columbus discovered the Americas. It was always there but someone (a white man in both cases, hmmm?) had to point it out to all the other white people (hmm?). For something to be discovered it had to be shown or demonstrated to white people. If the Chippewa had known this fact, we're sure they would have dashed off their discovery of America to the nearest academic journal of the time and Christopher Columbus would only be known as a movie director.



Someone over at McSweeney's uncovered Isaac Newton's diary and presented the entries he wrote in the week before he discovered gravity. Here's the link and below you will find exerpts.


Newton's diary entries:

Was walking through town today when an interesting thing happened: I tripped over a stone and fell down. Not up. Down. I contemplated this as I stood and dusted myself off. "Did you see that?" I said to the nearest witness, a homely wench by the alley. "I fell down." "Yes," she said, "and looked a fool doing it. Never have I seen a man fall so clumsily." I suppressed the urge to call the woman on her stupidity; I went 'round the corner where I tripped myself several times. And each time, I fell down. Query: Have I ever fallen up? Trying to jog my memory ...

The moon followed me last night to Mary's. That pestering moon, lighting my presence! Why does it continue to hang in the sky, like some unseen force is holding it? Does it have no purpose but to shine on those who do not wish to be seen? Luckily, I found the cover of some bushes as I peeked in Mary's window. I hoped to see her wearing nothing but her dressing gown, and perhaps to catch a glimpse of that pale, scrumptious neck. But lo: Looking in her window, I saw Mary in the clutches of another man, one more handsome than I. She was succumbing to his venomous advances like a soft, defenseless rabbit. Interesting finding here: It is possible to simultaneously feel insane jealousy and sport an erection. That relentless moon shone on the latter all the way home, where it was finally paid its attention.

Interesting cause-and-effect here: If called a "dirty whore," Mary automatically reacts with a slap to the caller's face. We were in town, discussing her loose ways, when I discovered this. I called her the name; she slapped, and hard. Sensing my discovery, I used the term again. She slapped again. "Dirty whore," I said again, as an experiment now, and she slapped me ever harder. "Dirty whore, dirty whore, dirty whore." Thrice she slapped in return. Then, perhaps some learned behavior interfered with the cause-effect: I merely uttered the first syllable of the action phrase and she slapped me three times, as if anticipating something that had not yet happened. Query: Can Mary see into the future? Will approach her tomorrow for another experiment. For now, I'm going to rest under my favorite apple tree, dreaming I am but an apple in a basket over which Mary will soon lean.