Thursday, July 28, 2005


We are just shocked. We always thought OJ was a good guy. Sure he did some cocaine, but so did the president. But this news is just shocking and it has certainly changed our opinion of Mr. Simpson.

A federal judge in Miami on Tuesday ordered the former football great to pony up $25,000 in damages to DirecTV after allegedly pirating satellite TV signals.

At the time, the feds were investigating an ecstasy, money-laundering and satellite-theft ring. Simpson was never charged in relation to the probe.


yes, that is O.J. and J. Edgar Hoover.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Guest Bloggin' == FUN

Hey, this is THE PANDA here from littleboxes music. The kind staff at littleboxes decided to let me do some guest blogging.

I'm on a little trip to Chicago and I decided to check out the Virgin music store (mega store). Anyway, there is a life-like cardboard cutout of R Kelly in the front window and he is staring at what appears to a be a rock (card board cut out rock) on the floor. All I could think of was that R. Kelly was looking at the rock and thinking "I'd pee on that."

I couldn't find a picture of the real advertisement. So the one above will have to do.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Dead is the New Live

Westmoreland is dead!

Ding Dong, Westmoreland is dead...da da da, da da da...ding dong the wicked Westmoreland is dead.

Condolences to anyone who had a good opinion of him. We're sure he touched someone's life in a positive way.

And in the spirit of all partisan bickering...After all, even Hitler had a dog, right?

Thursday, July 14, 2005

The Theory Of Linear Thinking

via By Night, Rock Star, check out this link to the new software iGiveUp.

we gotta run, "Cuts Like A Knife" just came on the radio in the staff lounge!

Meanwhile, check out Cooter's Place.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

The Panda

while we have been lazy, THE PANDA has been kinda busy. He's updated our music site twice in the last week or so. Check it out.

Meanwhile, anyone want to make any bets about what distracts the media from Karl Rove and Valerie Plame?

Next week: Are they enough missing persons and celebrity court cases to keep Nancy Grace on the air for another year?

Monday, July 11, 2005

Dying In Theory and Practice

We have a few staff members who are not what one might call "fans" of NYT opinion writer Nicholas D. Kristof. However, a few of us really liked his opinion piece in today's New York Times.

Here are some bits and pieces:
Jack Newbold is a 59-year-old retired tugboat captain who is dying of bone cancer. It's one of the most painful cancers, and he doesn't want to put his wife and 17-year-old daughter through the trauma of caring for him as he loses control over his body.

So Mr. Newbold faces a wrenching choice in the coming weeks: should he fight the cancer until his last breath, or should he take a glass of a barbiturate solution prescribed by a doctor and put himself to sleep forever? He's leaning toward the latter.

"I've got less than six months to live," he said. "I don't want to linger and put my wife and family through this."

Unfortunately, Mr. Bush is fighting to overturn the Oregon Death With Dignity law, which gives Mr. Newbold the option of hastening his death. Oregon voters twice passed referendums approving the law, which has been used since 1998, and it has wide support in the state.
Mr. Newbold, a Vietnam veteran and former merchant seaman, is funny and blunt, with a flair for nautical language unsuitable for a family newspaper. He started with head and neck cancer. Now cancer is spreading to his bones, disabling him and forcing him to take morphine for pain.

"By God, I want to go out on my own terms," Mr. Newbold said. "I don't want someone dictating to me that I've got to lie down in some hospital bed and die in pain."

Mr. Newbold has started the process of obtaining the barbiturates; two doctors must confirm that the patient has less than six months to live, and the patient must make three requests over at least 15 days. Typically, the drug is secobarbital - the powder is removed from the capsules and mixed into water or applesauce - or pentobarbital, which comes as a liquid. Patients typically slip into a coma five minutes after taking the medication and die within two hours.

"It's pretty weird knowing what day you're going to die, but we could plan for it," said Julie McMurchie, whose mother used the barbiturates about a week before she was expected to die naturally of lung cancer. "Two of my siblings lived out of state, and they were able to come, so we were all present. ... We were all there to hug and kiss her and tell her we loved her, and she had some poetry she wanted read to her, and it was all loving and peaceful.

This brings up all sorts or difficult questions.
Would you be worried about your family seeing you suffer? Who would you want with you when you died? How do you say goodbye?

Of course, President Bush has obviously thought a lot about these and other questions. After all, he sent hundreds of people to their deaths in Texas. Did Mr. Bush ever wonder what it would be like to have someone else set the date of your death? Surely he thought about how one might say goodbye and what a person might think about in their last hours? Or did he relish the deaths of the convicted criminals he put to death? Did he note that the victims of these crimes often had no chance to know the date of their death and no chance to say goodbye or reflect on their lives? In fact, we know that Mr. Bush has thought about what someone might choose as their last words before being their death. When asked if he knew what the last words of Karla Faye Tucker were he replied that he would guess they were "Please don't kill me, please don't kill me!"

These were not Karla Faye Tucker's last words. These were :
"I would like to say to all of you, the Thornton family and Jerry Dean's family, that I am so sorry. I hope God will give you peace with this." She then whispered a farewell to her husband and thanked the warden for his kindness to her in her last hours.

I am going to be face to face with Jesus now. . . . I love you all very much. I will see you all when you get there. . . . I will wait for you.
Executed by injection, Texas.
~~ Karla Faye Tucker Brown, d. February 3, 1998

Other famous last words uttered by those about to be executed:

Good people are always so sure they're right.
Executed at San Quentin.
~~ Barbara Graham, d. June 3, 1955

I did not get my Spaghetti-O's, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this.
Executed by injection, Oklahoma.
~~ Thomas J. Grasso, d. March 20, 1995

I am innocent, innocent, innocent. Make no mistake about this. I owe society nothing. I am an innocent man and something very wrong is taking place tonight.
Executed by injection, Texas.
~~ Lionel Herrera d. May 12, 1993

I love you, mom.
Executed by injection, Texas.
~~ Clarence Lackey, d. May 20, 1997

Shoot me in the chest!
To his executioners.
~~Benito Mussolini, Italian dictator, d.1945

Hurry it up you Hoosier bastard! I could hang a dozen men while you're screwing around.
Executed by hanging Leavenworth, Kansas.
~~ Carl Panzram, d. September 5, 1930

Capital punishment: them without the capital get the punishment.
Executed in electric chair, Florida.
~~ John Spenkelink, d. May 25, 1979

You are going to hurt me, please don't hurt me, just one more moment, I beg you!
~~ Madame du Barry, mistress of Louis XV, d. 1793

Take a step forward, lads. It will be easier that way.
Executed by firing squad.
~~ Erskine Childers, Irish patriot, d. November 24, 1922

And some other last words:

Am I dying or is this my birthday?
When she woke briefly during her last illness and found all her family around her bedside.
~~ Lady Nancy Astor, d. 1964

How were the receipts today at Madison Square Garden?
~~ P. T. Barnum, entrepreneur, d. 1891

Friends applaud, the comedy is finished.
~~ Ludwig van Beethoven, composer, d. March 26, 1827

I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.
~~ Humphrey Bogart, actor, d. January 14, 1957

'm bored with it all.
Before slipping into a coma. He died 9 days later.
~~ Winston Churchill, statesman, d. January 24, 1965

Damn it . . . Don't you dare ask God to help me.
To her housekeeper, who had begun to pray aloud.
~~ Joan Crawford, actress, d. May 10, 1977

My God. What's happened?
~~ Diana (Spencer), Princess of Wales, d. August 31, 1997

I'd hate to die twice. It's so boring.
~~ Richard Feynman, physicist, d. 1988

I know you have come to kill me. Shoot coward, you are only going to kill a man.
Facing his assassin, Mario Teran, a Bolivian soldier.
~~ Ernesto "Che" Guevara, d. October 9, 1967

Why do you weep. Did you think I was immortal?
~~ Louis XIV, King of France, d. 1715

I've had eighteen straight whiskies, I think that's the record . . .
~~ Dylan Thomas, poet, d. 1953

I have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have.
~~ Leonardo da Vinci, artist, d. 1519

Go on, get out - last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
To his housekeeper, who urged him to tell her his last words so she could write them down for posterity.
~~ Karl Marx, revolutionary, d. 1883

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Extreme Vigilance and Opportunity

London. God damn. Fucking terrorists. Innocent people dead.

We had CNN on in the office this morning. Most of us agreed that it felt a bit odd watching this one on the news. It felt like gawking. The interviews with people who were there with questions like "Would you describe the situation immediately after as filled with panic?" It's never clear whether the person they are interviewing really wants to be on television or even should be on television. The way the media just jumps on these stories feels more and more like transparent attempts to get ratings as opposed to attempts to report the news in a responsible way.

Meanwhile, Miles O'Brien on CNN could be heard waxing on about how in the summer of 2001 the U.S. was also preoccupied with shark attacks and tales of missing women. He went onto say that this complacency would likely end now. Literally 30 secounds later CNN goes to commercial and airs an advertisement for a CNN program on Sunday about Natalie Halloway.

Meanwhile, George W. Bush, coincidentally in Europe, was on television telling americans to be extremely vigilant on their way to work. That is so unhelpful. We guess he couldn't really bring himself to promise safety in case something actually did happen in the U.S. It is just sounds so empty now to suggest that commuters be really, really careful and watchful. As if prior to his remarks this was going to be national wear a blindfold during your commute day. People are saying "Damn, and here I was, even after those terrorist attacks, wearing my blindfold. Thank God the president said something!" Maybe we are being too harsh as we are unsure as to what we would say in the same situation.

Bush also went on to say things about how the leaders at the G8 summit were there talking about cleaning up the environment, eradicating AIDs, and alleviating poverty while the terrorists were there killing innocent people. We (and that's all of us here) would like to think that these are not just empty words. It would be pretty amazing if the G8 leaders used this incident to make some profound gesture to the people of the world so as to draw the starkest contrast possible with terrorism. We're talking something a bit unprecedented that they actually follow through on. That would be beautiful. It probably won't happen.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Personal Distribution of Facial Hair

After careful research, we've determined that it is only OK to joke about molestation if the joke involves one or both of these things:
1) Michael Jackson
2) The facial hair of white men

If we can add anything to this list let us know.

For example, this usually gets some chuckles:

Why did Michael Jackson go to Kmart? Boy's underwear was half-off. (Ha ha!)

This isn't really a joke, but have you (our loyal readers) ever noticed that a rather disporportionate amount of child molestors seem to be white men with mustaches? Or, more correctly, that many, but not all, white men with mustaches look like child molestors. Kevin Bacon clearly would have won an Oscar for the Woodsman if he had grown a mustache. Stupid, Kevin, stupid.

Anyway, we bring this all up because of the recent horrible events in Idaho involving an 8 year girl and a 9 year old boy being molested and the boy possibly being murdered.

The guy who probably did this is from Fargo, ND (the Heartland?). He was around town asking questions about local campgrounds and local communities in the days and months before he (allegedly) abducted these two children and killed some family members. No one thought anything funny because he was so "clean cut."

Duncan was described as relaxed and clean-cut when he stopped at a store in the western Montana logging community of St. Regis more than a month ago for gas and a 12-pack of Bud Light.

He chatted with attendant Jackie Allen for nearly 15 minutes, peppering her with questions about area parks and campgrounds and asking for directions to nearby communities.

Allen said she was "shocked and stunned" to learn that the man she said visited her store was Duncan. "I know people can fool you, but he was a really clean-cut and relaxed guy," Allen said. "It's just kind of shocked me. I still don't know what to think."


This got us thinking. Maybe there are too many Michael Jackson molestation jokes? Maybe these jokes have distracted the public from the real pedophiles. The real pedophiles being clean-cut, normal-looking, white men (and R. Kelly).

The overabundance of MJ jokes (Michael got sick at a party at Neverland. He choked on a 12 year old weiner! ha ha!) might make people look for this:

instead of looking for this:

So, for starters, we all need to replace the words "Michael Jackson" with "white guy with mustache" in all the molestation jokes.

Why did the white guy with the mustache go to K-mart? Boys' underwear were half-off! (see it's funny and it will divert attention to the real "evil-doers.")

Editor's Note: We want to emphasize again that not ALL white guys with mustaches look like pedophiles, just most white guys with mustaches. For example, Sam Elliot, not a pedophile. Not even close. Sam Elliot is stud.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

It's Not About Your Life

We have an announcement. A member of our crack-research staff is leaving us. Yes, it is a sad day. He didn't even give us a two-week notice. He is leaving at the end of day. So, goodbye, Taleil, we'll miss you. Taleil did most of the research for our famous pizza delivery piece.

Taleil is leaving to pursue a career in art. He has only completed one piece, but he believes it has great promise. His one piece is a half-completed wood birdhouse mounted on a 4'x 4' flat piece of wood with all the tools needed to build the birdhouse lying all around the birdhouse on the piece of wood. It is "a statement on process."

This is the second time we have lost a staff member this year. You all must remember when we had to let Reginald [former HTML expert] go because of the incident with the salamander.

Bjorn [in our product placement department]has often talked of leaving but has always remained with us. His business ideas have yet to take off and seem to always involve bumper sticker ideas.

In November 2004 Bjorn came up with a bumper sticker slogan he was sure would put him in top percentile of income earners:

Rummy gives me a stiffy.

We told him it didn't rhyme, but he insisted that that "y" on the end made it catchy. Needless to say, the rest of us found the bumper sticker rather disturbing and to our knowledge Bjorn's auto is the only one that has this bumper sticker stuck on it.

He's since had another idea:

Our troops make me hard.

The rest of us thought this was a bit too on the socially unacceptable side of homoerotic shows of support for our troops. We convinced him to change the line to something homoerotic but more acceptable to the general public:

War makes me hard.

He has actually sold a half dozen copies of that one, but it has not turned out to be quite the income-generator he had hoped it would be. He is now insisting (rather loudly) that the old phrase ("Our troops make me hard") would have sold millions.

By the way, ever wonder...Who is Bob Novak? So have we!
Robert D. Novak was born Feb. 26, 1931, in Joliet, Ill. His first newspaper jobs were as a reporter for the Joliet (Ill.) Herald-News and the Champaign-Urbana (Ill.) Courier, where he worked while attending the University of Illinois (1948-1952).

Following service in the U.S. Army during the Korean War, Novak joined the staff of the Associated Press, where he worked in bureaus in Omaha, Lincoln, Indianapolis and later Washington, D.C., where he covered Congress.

In 1958, Novak left the AP for a position in the Washington Bureau of the Wall Street Journal as Senate correspondent and political reporter, becoming chief congressional correspondent for the Journal in 1961.

This is just the first piece of our new ongoing segment "Who is Bob Novak?"

Bob is the one on the right.